I love you, I hate that you do

I love that you're family. I love the comfort and ease I have with family. I may be annoyed, or contemplative or feeling just plain hurt but I don't worry what my family will think of me first thing in the morning.

I hate that you have been home all day and just got in the shower at 4:30 in the afternoon.

I hate that you have been home all day and left dirty dishes and my new skillet in the sink.

I hate that my decorative pillows are misshapen because you have taken up residence on a couch I now wish I could hide.

I hate that they are about to turn off your cell phone and the bank keeps calling Mom and Dad's house to talk to you about your unpaid bills and negative checking balance.

I hate that you're not taking care of that. Grow up.

I hate the anal retentive person you bring out in me because your lack of respect for me conveys to my possessions.

I hate that you say thank you but I feel like you are just being polite. You want it but you wish it didn't have to come from me.

I hate that you don't try. You don't try for me and more importantly you don't try for you. You think you can overcome your low self esteem by belching loudly in public and dressing badly. Take that world, kiss my ass, I can do what I want, you say. But I'm calling your bluff. You can wear shitty torn clothes, watch tv, and smoke as much weed as you want. Whatever you are running from is still behind you. If you didn't want what money and education requires, I could probably make my peace with your unmet potential. But to see you want something your ignorant ass could have is mind-numbingly frustrating and sad. You and your brother... I sometimes want a family so bad it's hard to get to sleep at night but then I think of you and think maybe it's for the best that I never have children. I can't imagine the joy you deprive our parents of. The world at your feet and you chose to launch into life with less than they started with over 30 years ago. It should be against the law to be that stupid. It maims my heart to see such loveliness squandered.