Pouting at the Universe

It's been hard lately finding words for the stuff tumbling around upstairs. Even harder to make them coherent enough to post. So I'm going to try something I've seen at other blogs and just try a few sentences on a few topics. We'll see how it goes.

Relationships

I'm in that funk. That funk that needs and wants someone to love. The funk that fears it could go on and on like this. That funk that assumes everyone with someone else is happy, loved, and wanted. Even as I suspect one of my girlfriends is separated from her husband, I still stupidly envy that he wanted to marry her in the first place. In my mind she should at least know that someone wanted her but I'm sure she's probably wondering why they don't stay. Some people never marry, never have someone special in their life. It actually could be me. I should not watch romantic comedies. Ever.

Ever.

Seriously. Something needs to blow up in the next film I watch.

Thanksgiving

A predictable amalgam of love and despair. I sometimes feel that I'm inside out. That's why the current in a room gets to me, why I feel my mother's sadness and my dad's despair. Is that just the way of people who have been together longer than they have been apart? To reflexively shut one another down? To view each other through the smudged bifocals of a lifetime of injustices and slights so much even if they see each other's needs, it's hard for them to respond? Talking to one of my friends about the ambivalence of family gatherings, she said it sounded like I had a typical family visit. I think that's tragic even if it is typical because somewhere in our mind, we have this ideal. That we would be a priority to one another, that we wouldn't squander a visit staying up until 3 am and waking up at 2 pm. That since we weren't kids anymore, I wouldn't fall back into the role of being in charge, the border collie of the siblings. They came all the way home to appear as if they were being held against their will.

Since no one will be home for Christmas, I took the opportunity to present dad with the Crystal Head Vodka. As predicted, there was confusion regarding how I thought a skull filled with alcohol was a great gift for dads but we cleared it up and he was pleased with his gift. It was fun. I have a killer idea for Christmas that I think everyone is going to like. I can't help being awesome, it's just who I am.

Alone again, Naturally

November, I may have spent 10 days alone. I visited my best friend earlier in the month and hosted my sister for 2 weeks right after, followed by 4 days for Thanksgiving. My sister grinds my nerves in ways too numerous to name but one thing she does not mess around with is caring for Baloo. She loves Baloo. And coming home from work and chilling while she walked her was really awesome. And while I crave my space at times, truth is/was, I'm better when someone else is around. It kind of gives me a reason to live. To get up and want something out of the day other than to just get through it. It seems unfair to doom someone to a life alone who so clearly needs people.

A good friend of mine constantly issues invitations for me to visit. I feel like I'd like knowing they were there, but I would want lots of time away from them which has nothing at all to do with them. I just think I would like some time out at the beach, watching the waves and weeping it out. Pouting at the universe for denying me upper middle class income to sit and stare at the waves and for denying me someone to sit and watch the waves with. I rock the melancholy vacation. Again, I can not help being awesome at that. I'm just good at what I do.