It's awesome out. Low humidity, nice breeze, and I am sitting inside with a puss on my face, getting comfortable in my victim-hood. I guess it's neither here nor there whether my sister pulled a retaliatory move or it was an innocent mistake but she booked a bus trip back to Virginia after I told her I was going to New York this weekend. She booked it on Friday giving me no time to get a dog sitter lined up. It's not the end of the world but it's just pretty shitty. I have been burning it at both ends for weeks now. I'm tired and I've got no one to talk to. I just wanted to see my friends, watch something funny, and be with people who actually wanted me around and don't just see me as a means to an end.
I'm irritable--my girlfriend, bless her cotton socks, is light years smarter than me but can not manage to keep her fucking cell phone charged. I hate when I call her and she tells me her battery is dying. Then get off the phone, don't take the call, and just send me a text or something. Seriously. That really bugs me for some reason. Even when I'm not inside out like I am today. She is always apologizing for it too or apologizes for not being able to hear me--I don't like unnecessary apologies either. They are annoying and frankly insincere. If it truly bothered you, you would charge your phone.
Another birthday approaches as well and while I will try to focus on being alive as better than the alternative (Is it really, though? What do we even know about the alternative? Perhaps we're all jumping to conclusions about the alternative. Just sayin), if these last two weeks are any indication, it's going to shit-tastic. I can't wait to be on the other side of it. I don't need or want to go out to obligatory dinners, I feel very strongly that I want to be alone. I will have to talk to my parents and I want to talk to them, they are after all the sponsor of my birthday but I can see myself not answering or returning calls that day. This birthday will be one of the sad ones, I think. I suppose my sister may be here that weekend if she's not in the mood to make last minute plans that fuck me over. Perhaps then I can check myself into a hotel room and pretend I don't live here for a day and wait for the dust to settle.
As bent out of shape as I am about my curtailed weekend plans, I had originally bowed out of going. I'm almost out of toilet paper, soap, paper towels and all the paper products Ashley apparently eats. It's also been such a long, long week with some really disappointing developments that left me feeling like a person bailing water on the Titanic must have felt; you're pretty confident your heroics will amount to nothing but you just have to have to try. And I'm tired because my arms are sore and the only thing I'm delaying by immeasurably small amounts is my eventual drowning. So Friday morning, thinking of the day ahead (which ended near 10 pm), I bowed out. On Friday night when my friends called, I felt differently but was now hemmed in because of Ashley's conflicting plans. And my mood has darkened from there.
She's always been selfish-before she left, she washed one skillet, the one she used. She left everything else there like it needed to be preserved like a crime scene. Amos Lee has a line in one of his songs, 'Sometimes we forget who we got, who they are, and who they are not.' I can't change her but sometimes her selfishness really gets to me and it's easy to martyr myself; how much I do for her, how dependable I am for her. But that doesn't change her and it doesn't help me. So I will dump this all on blogger's doorstep and perhaps go buy some toilet paper.
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