Take this job and...oh, what can I do to help you?

When I don't write, I get overwhelmed with all the stuff I'm not processing. It cycles back for further reflection, angst, or worry at bedtime when my fatigue won't support my typing or when I'm at work and must actually be doing work. Work has been challenging both in its insidious creep into what I once considered my free time and in sorting through the why of the things that upset me. I noted in my last post that I was primarily twisted with a lack of gratitude but that doesn't make a person well up at their desk. I feel like I'm in high school right because I think I have a crush on my boss and that is why the last couple of weeks have been so upsetting. I hate to use that word, crush, because I am not pining for a married man, I want no parts of him physically, nothing at all like that. I feel he has come to find me resourceful and being resourceful is one of my favorite things to be for someone. I like making things as easy for someone else as I wish they were for me. So we have a dynamic between us that I like, kind of a peer-subordinate relationship with a dash of work wife. He's more aggressive than he is thorough and I have long thought the biggest thing between him and taking over the world is his complete lack of organization. If he were McGyver, he would know exactly how to disable the bomb but would have forgotten his twist ties and chewing gum so he would ask me if I had them or ask me to run and get them. He's still the guy dismantling the bomb and absolutely deserves the ticker take parade that follows but it doesn't occur to him to say thank you for helping. No one will ever know if I hadn't been there if it would have turned out differently, the role of a facilitator is hard to measure, but it all came to a head this week when I stopped helping and started yelling.

...to be continued