Flow

Here's how I flow; work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work-maladaptive, self-destructive, self-defeating procrastination-work, work, work, work, work, work work, work (much of which could have been less stressful if not for that maladaptive middle piece). I'm in the middle right now following a day of fairly productive list checking. I'm staying up too late and I'm not exercising. So I'm fat and restless. It's awesome. Also, I'm tired all the time because I go to bed late so at both ends of my day, beginning with the achy tired, and ending with the bleary tired, the last place I want to be is the gym. If I would take more than a day here or there to recharge, I'm sure I could probably do better but I'm not seeing that space right now. Everything is up in the air. There are decisions to be made that will settle a lot of these variables but I'm in that space where everything seems like it should be doable if everything works out perfectly. Which makes it seem like it should be done, which stresses me out. I should be able to find a house, get completely organized taking only the things I actually need and use, see everyone who wants to take me to lunch/coffee/dinner before I leave (which by the way is starting to irritate me), go to the gym regularly, keep the house spotless for the 24 hour notice showing, do my work with accuracy and dedication, and remain in a good mood throughout.

Going back to the obligatory luncheon/coffee bullshit, I grieve it terribly. Aside from old boss (OB) and a lady I've already gone to dinner with, my relationships at work don't rise to the level of anyone I'm really going to miss or who is going to miss me so much so that a formal living wake is required. So that means it is insincere which puts me in a foul mood and biting my tongue bloody not to call it what it is and send everyone back to their desks grumbling about what an ungrateful a-hole I am. The other thing that irritates me from neighbor to co-worker is the 'we've got to do something before you leave' empty remark. First of all, I don't need another damn thing to do. Let's say goodbye today because I'm not making any holes in my schedule to do something that is already above and beyond the actual level of our relationship. And those people who treat my departure like a countdown that they want to rush at the end to take me out for drink or something else I can do without them might be the most irritating of all. I have actual friends to make time for, people who want to talk to me and see me even when I'm not leaving town. Those are the people I make time for and try to figure out how/when to see. Nothing at all against what we are to each other, it's been lovely. This is just not the time to stretch that so you can interview me about moving, how I'm doing, and my future plans while "sending me off"; I've already covered that ground with the people who actually care. We both know it is unlikely you'll visit, and even more sure I won't be visiting so maybe we just wish each other well now and go back to how it normally is with you and I both getting along in life without thinking much of the other at all. I'll keep you posted on the highlights via Facebook or something.