Sucky Suckerson

I'm getting a lot of stuff done while in language for sure.  It's like being a full time student with half a day of study hall.  Problem is, I was never really good about studying in study hall or at all.  That's what class is for.  I study what I need reinforced from class.  In this class, that doesn't work.  We had the talk, it didn't change anything, and this week that's a problem.  We're moving on the second way to conjugate verbs in the future (of course there are several ways, why wouldn't there be) and she makes a point of drilling that the first and third person singular are conjugated the same as the present indicative blah, blah, and I told her that is no help to me when I can not conjugate the present.  Basically, she is telling me this is the same as the other thing I don't know.   Not helpful.  She told me I needed to go back to the present and learn the conjugations.  Yea, that was kind of my point in the 'I'm freaking out because we are moving on before mastery' discussion we had last week.  Not news to me that I have a lot of shit to memorize and kind of pissed with your vacillation on recognizing a) I speak ENGLISH and only ENGLISH;  b) I've been studying your language for 4 WEEKS; and c)  I speak ENGLISH.

This is a week where the bottom falls out (again) and even though I know it's going to be that kind of week, it doesn't make my attitude any less shitty.  Just once I think, I would like to be that person making yummy noises while eating a shit sandwich, going on about the journey, the growth, the privilege etc...lying to myself and others as a mind over matter exercise.  I guess the reason I'm not, aside from genetics, is those are the people in my experience that truly come unglued when they are ready or are forced to acknowledge that shit is nasty and they are not happy eating it.  It's a fine line I guess between being a 'Sucky Suckerson' as my language teacher calls me when I'm being contrarian and the bad kind of shit eating grin person.  Still, I wonder where the time goes everyday and struggle to prioritize my study when we are moving so fast that we're already building on beginning skills and concepts that I haven't even begun to recognize much less master.  It frustrates me, it angers me, it makes me want to become a language teacher so I can teach language the way I would want to learn it.

I've decided the reason I'm doing this is not for God and country (when is it ever really only about that), it's not for the money I save living overseas, it's not for career-I could stay here and do better.  It's because I'm curious.  How I got to this point has all the makings of a great story where the ending holds the great love I sometimes hope for or the life changing career moment--like meeting Tina Fey and starting a career in writing--or something equally awesom.  It's for the stories--I can't imagine I'll get out of eastern Europe without good stories, it's for the oddity of speaking a completely useless language and the trivia it will be good for.  It's for the bragging rights.  It's for the experiences that enrich my empathy for the experiences of others and inspire me to want to be better because of the hardship I don't want others to endure.  The schedule isn't bad either.