Last night was a flurry of text messages and phone calls one of which came from a dear friend of mine who struck the perfect balance of outrage, support, and humor in the dark hilarity of my life right now. Before my head even got a chance to go there he told me it wasn't my fault and I wasn't a homing beacon for assholes and philanderers. He has a sensitivity to him that makes him an ideal man girlfriend. When life is ridiculous, he has often been someone who just makes me giddy with laughter in a ridiculous conversation. I'm lucky to have a constellation of friends to lean on and I'm lucky to have so many great married men (who until yesterday I just called friends) in my life who haven't asked me out or tried to sleep with me. Totally took it for granted I guess since I'm not generally a hotly pursued woman by anyone much less a married man and haven't run into the issue before. But this is a year of firsts so why not this too. Why not indeed.
It was awkward today. I was initially inclined to avoid the common areas for fear of running into him but then I reminded myself I had done nothing wrong and I didn't need to hide. I rounded a corner and (of course) ran into him, said hi and kept moving. He followed me into the breakroom. I couldn't believe it. I did not speak to him and avoided even looking in his direction. The last thing he said to me before we parted ways last night was that he would ask me to coffee again and I told him he could do what he wanted, my answer would be no. As time passes and I process this event, I get increasingly agitated with having to use my energy to nut up and get sub-par coffee from our shitty breakroom because this asshole won't accept no for an answer. As a general rule, I don't like to waste time being angry with people who don't matter to me because it's an emotional investment they don't deserve. But if he is going to insist on remaining in my field of vision, he might find himself caught up in a perfect storm on a day when the nuclear option is on the table and I feel invested in fucking his shit up.
It's easy and not incorrect to see this cheating mofo as violating the sanctity of his marriage. He's masquerading as a single man and in pursuit of single women. But I think it's probably more common for infidelity to occur between people who know each other; ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, co-workers, friends within your couples network... Further I don't think any relationship is fully immune to the threat of infidelity. Not because of some bullshit evolutionary theory on how men aren't built to be monogamous but because relationships are hard and it's near impossible to get everything you wish for in a life partner packaged in one person. And we do take relationships for granted once we are in them, forgetting how hard it is to find someone you can live with that has enough intersections on values, goals, attraction, and temperament to make a go of it. Hell, it's hard to have a roommate, much less someone you sleep with every night.
Not unlike the stock market, you can be in a relationship recession for a good spell and things are real tight and almost totally devoid of the starry-eyed fun that got you hooked. For years. Riding the volatility of the market is not easy and if you take the short view, it's almost impossible not to take your money and run. Based on what I've observed of my parent's marriage and other marriages, those playing the long game are fairly matter-of-fact about their commitment to one another, not really mentioning words like 'happy' or 'fun' like their commitment to one another is terribly vulnerable to how either one of them feels on a particular day. We're married for life, the end*. That's not to say everyone makes good decisions on who to spend their lives with and many, many people could stand to cut their losses or just go the scarf knitting/cat collection route (as I plan to). I think marriage is a commitment but it's not jail so if you are unfulfilled enough or unhappy enough to actively pursue other people, nut up and cut bait or shut up and get to working on your marriage.
*I am assuming these are marriages without extraordinary circumstances (i.e. physical/emotional/sexual/drug abuse...etc)
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