Update

It's finally over.  I passed my language test which should have felt like a million bucks and led to one of those celebratory jumping things people do in movies or TV.  While I can not understate the relief I had to no longer study capital punishment or pensioners in a foreign language--things I don't even read or speak about in English, it was kind of anti-climatic.  One of my favorite quotations comes to mind from How Beautiful With Shoes which I (again) won't do justice but in essence is that danger averted was never really dangerous.  It is true my stomach was in knots, I nearly cried the morning of the test with stress and exhaustion, and I left the test soaked in sweat--my waistband was damp and my sweater was soaked to the elbows with sweat--sexy.  But then it was over and there was no one to celebrate with.  For some reason I thought of the cast of SNL and stand-up comedians.  Specifically how they have a 'party' (i.e. drinks) after their show because you need a way to come down from the adrenaline of performance.  I went home like a sad sack, took a shower and got in my PJ's.  But it's done and I am glad, even if I say stupid things like, 'it couldn't have been that hard if I passed it.'  What-the-fuck-ever, it's done and I don't have to deal with it again for 3 years.  That seems like long enough to forget everything.

In other news, I definitely do not like the man I will be working for and I am increasingly concerned that this assignment borne out of comically amusing circumstance and accepted out of curiosity and a dash of involuntary hope will not change my life for the better.  I will leave, almost 40, even more bitter and tired and probably back out of shape.  I think if things unfold that way, I have no choice but to interpret that as an undeniable 'fuck you' from the universe and will likely conclude I have nothing left here to see.  Fuck *you* universe, I don't have to take that from you.

My boss is a fucktard.  Really.  If I'm lucky, I will figure out a way to limit my exposure to him and it will be as well as it can be.  Already, I plan on finding another office to work out of while I'm still here so I can actually get some work done and not be pulled into meetings about absolutely nothing for "5 minutes" where he waxes eloquent about the same thing he discussed with you 1 hour before (also useless).  He speaks slow and deliberately like he's explaining physics to a 10 year old but instead he's dispensing gems like, 'make sure you have a valid driver's license before you leave.'  It exhausts me to both hold my tongue and submit to the time wasting exercise that is almost every conversation I have with him.  Folks who don't work for him euphemistically say 'he's a talker!'  That's not doing it justice at. all.  At. all.

So now the countdown is on.  About 6 weeks from now, I will be exhausted and frayed and probably smelly and regretful about the choices I make, while simultaneously trying to think up the upside so I don't walk into traffic the night before my flight.  This has been a tough 8 months and it will be followed by another tough 8 months with the chaos of moving and settling in, getting the lay of the people and the land, and the rigors of a new job.  I went to a wedding last weekend and a couple of folks there thanked me for my service, simply because I worked for the government which I thought was weird.  Even when I was military, I didn't care for people thanking me for my service.  It's not service, I get paid to do this.  If I were smarter or independently wealthy, I wouldn't be working at all or at least not working for the government.  I think the nobler the cause, the more heartbreaking the job because noble causes are just ideas of the ideal.  They are rarely embodied by your colleagues or even your nation so as a general rule, it's not a good idea to get wrapped up in them as a raison d'etre.  I think people who live for those kinds of things, the 'true believers' are the most vulnerable because a loss of faith shakes them to the core.  In many ways, it's a tougher struggle to believe in nothing because you have no false comfort or shelter from the inevitable frustrations that come with any job but I think it also makes you more pragmatic and efficient in getting actual things done.

So today, I will find a place to sit away from the fray, politely decline the invitation to socialize with my colleagues this weekend, and try to get some shit knocked out before I leave work at the end of the day to attend to the things that actually matter in life.