And he makes me smile with nonsense like this:
http://vimeo.com/27177331
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Optional vs Obligatory
I've been thinking this morning on the stress of commitment and why the older I get, the less I want to commit to anything optional, even something as benign as lunch. It's becoming a thing with me, a 'quirk' which is a nice way of saying an irritating personality trait, that I need an escape hatch for any social/optional activities and I avoid making those kinds of plans if at all possible. Before I stopped making social plans or commitments, it wasn't unusual for me to flake on them, canceling at the next to last minute. Most of the time it was because it didn't seem worth the trouble and I felt I would get more satisfaction from attacking my to-do list than I would from hanging out. That felt terrible and pissed off my friends so I just decided it was better for us both that I just not make plans. Nobody expects me there so no one is disappointed. Or maybe now they are just disappointed that I don't make plans with them. Being friends with me is disappointing one way or another. I am however, good for the spontaneous adventure. If I don't have time to dread it and the moons are just right, I'm your girl. Again, not understanding why I have any friends at all and why the friends I have are so incredible. Probably takes someone exceptional to dig all that is Ava enough to put up with the extra delightful stuff like rare visits and inability/unwillingness to make plans to do the same. Having my girlfriends (most of them) on the east coast has been awesome because I don't have to plan. I just jump in the car or on the train. I can decide that morning.
I didn't grow up making optional trips so it's not something that comes naturally. The one vacation we did take when I was growing up was a shopping trip to Korea which wasn't really a kid vacation. I got some knock-off sneakers that fell apart and smelled like death after I wore them in the rain and my mom bought a lot of shoes. Before we left on that trip, our neighbor's plumbing backed up into our tub and it felt like a sign we should have never planned to leave the house. The only other family trip was every 3-4 years we would spend 30 days sitting around and eating in the stifling sticky heat of a Memphis summer shuttling between grandparents. Understandably my point of reference for vacation is the misery of the journey compounded by a stressful un-fun destination. The destination never seemed worth the journey.
But I chose my nomadic lifestyle because I want to experience new things and places and I know that I need an obligation to force that into my life. I love the feeling of being forced into something new; the sense of adventure and possibility, the potential, the people, the experiences. But I know I'm not the person who will endure the cost, discomfort, and disruption to see the world on my own time and on my own dime. There is a part of me I think that needs to abdicate some of the responsibility for my own happiness, that needs a fall guy for my misery or an excuse not to try to have fun and I get that through obligations. The must-do is my security blanket from the potential disappointment of could-do. Maybe I expect too much from fun or as Lodo has pointed out, think other people are having a much better go of it than I am. There is always an obligation or a task on the to do list that seems like a good enough reason to not go to some faraway place that might not even be fun.
Maybe I'm more delicate and sensitive, so the stress of the journey bloodies me more than most. Maybe I'm just lazy. I just know all misfortune encountered during optional excursions feel like punishment for being somewhere I didn't have to be. Misfortune encountered during obligatory trips doesn't really distress me as much, it's part of the challenge of getting through a task and it's not optional so I don't have any sense of 'if only I hadn't come to this place, if only I had booked this earlier, if only whatever...' Everything I experience outside of the mandatory reason I'm there is lovely. Some of my favorite moments are on the margins of obligatory trips. Walking the beach in Savannah, GA (training exercise), the sunrise on the beach in Florida on my birthday (training), napping in the sun in San Diego (conference), visiting Michigan (training exercise), having diwaniya (kind of a picnic kind of gathering) in Kuwait (deployment), the Grand Canyon (work trip). When my mother visited me in Arizona, we didn't go to the Grand Canyon because it didn't seem worth the drive. I know it sounds ridiculous to be within hours of one of the great wonders of the world and think, eh, it's 5 hours away and it's only one thing, how grand could it be? Worth a 10 hour round trip drive? Probably not. I come by my vacation calculus honestly.
Even the lovely of this time in Philadelphia has been during the exercise of my obligations. Walking the dog and running into a street fair or parade, having to find restaurants for meetings and discovering a lovely place, being forced to work with people I would never hang out with and making a great friend. I do however have a spirit of adventure in me; I've accepted a position in a developing eastern European country. There is no good reason for me to go there, I don't know anything about it and I will definitely be a stranger in a strange land. But my job is paying my freight and giving me work to do so I get to live somewhere I would definitely never ever visit. There will be some misery, both of a new place and of whatever developing nation blues there are to be had (brownouts, lack of produce, quality brands...etc) but it will be a great no pressure adventure. I have to be there, anything fun or good that comes of it is a bonus, anything bad just has be be dealt with. I like that. I think I'm much better at making good of a shitty situation; earning my happiness, appreciating the simple gifts, than I am at enjoying the things touted as a traditional good time.
I didn't grow up making optional trips so it's not something that comes naturally. The one vacation we did take when I was growing up was a shopping trip to Korea which wasn't really a kid vacation. I got some knock-off sneakers that fell apart and smelled like death after I wore them in the rain and my mom bought a lot of shoes. Before we left on that trip, our neighbor's plumbing backed up into our tub and it felt like a sign we should have never planned to leave the house. The only other family trip was every 3-4 years we would spend 30 days sitting around and eating in the stifling sticky heat of a Memphis summer shuttling between grandparents. Understandably my point of reference for vacation is the misery of the journey compounded by a stressful un-fun destination. The destination never seemed worth the journey.
But I chose my nomadic lifestyle because I want to experience new things and places and I know that I need an obligation to force that into my life. I love the feeling of being forced into something new; the sense of adventure and possibility, the potential, the people, the experiences. But I know I'm not the person who will endure the cost, discomfort, and disruption to see the world on my own time and on my own dime. There is a part of me I think that needs to abdicate some of the responsibility for my own happiness, that needs a fall guy for my misery or an excuse not to try to have fun and I get that through obligations. The must-do is my security blanket from the potential disappointment of could-do. Maybe I expect too much from fun or as Lodo has pointed out, think other people are having a much better go of it than I am. There is always an obligation or a task on the to do list that seems like a good enough reason to not go to some faraway place that might not even be fun.
Maybe I'm more delicate and sensitive, so the stress of the journey bloodies me more than most. Maybe I'm just lazy. I just know all misfortune encountered during optional excursions feel like punishment for being somewhere I didn't have to be. Misfortune encountered during obligatory trips doesn't really distress me as much, it's part of the challenge of getting through a task and it's not optional so I don't have any sense of 'if only I hadn't come to this place, if only I had booked this earlier, if only whatever...' Everything I experience outside of the mandatory reason I'm there is lovely. Some of my favorite moments are on the margins of obligatory trips. Walking the beach in Savannah, GA (training exercise), the sunrise on the beach in Florida on my birthday (training), napping in the sun in San Diego (conference), visiting Michigan (training exercise), having diwaniya (kind of a picnic kind of gathering) in Kuwait (deployment), the Grand Canyon (work trip). When my mother visited me in Arizona, we didn't go to the Grand Canyon because it didn't seem worth the drive. I know it sounds ridiculous to be within hours of one of the great wonders of the world and think, eh, it's 5 hours away and it's only one thing, how grand could it be? Worth a 10 hour round trip drive? Probably not. I come by my vacation calculus honestly.
Even the lovely of this time in Philadelphia has been during the exercise of my obligations. Walking the dog and running into a street fair or parade, having to find restaurants for meetings and discovering a lovely place, being forced to work with people I would never hang out with and making a great friend. I do however have a spirit of adventure in me; I've accepted a position in a developing eastern European country. There is no good reason for me to go there, I don't know anything about it and I will definitely be a stranger in a strange land. But my job is paying my freight and giving me work to do so I get to live somewhere I would definitely never ever visit. There will be some misery, both of a new place and of whatever developing nation blues there are to be had (brownouts, lack of produce, quality brands...etc) but it will be a great no pressure adventure. I have to be there, anything fun or good that comes of it is a bonus, anything bad just has be be dealt with. I like that. I think I'm much better at making good of a shitty situation; earning my happiness, appreciating the simple gifts, than I am at enjoying the things touted as a traditional good time.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Late Bloomer
If I'm lucky, I will live a long healthy life. I need the time because I arrive at the best things years after everyone else has been there, done that, and long since given away the t-shirt. I arrived at blogging after it peaked, I'll probably rejoin twitter soon just to stay behind the curve, I've not been in a grown up relationship just yet but still rocking the high school crushes like it's 1999; though I was long out of high school by then, sadly my love life was/is not. Motherhood, if it comes at all, will probably make the record books at least for whatever town I live in at the time. I have thought as recently as yesterday that it wouldn't be so bad if I had a short life either because the future could just be a long wash, rinse, repeat of what I've got going on right now and I'm already largely over it. If soul twin locks it down with someone, I will be on the periphery of every important relationship in my life and I've frankly had my fill of three wheeling and of one of the two wheels telling me I need to get over being a third.
I do wonder though sometimes. Really? I'm that bad at connecting with men or rising to a person of interest? I connect with homeless guys on the regular. What's the magic I'm working there and with other random people I don't invite into my life? I was walking in the mall a week or so ago and made passing eye contact with a guy who turned around, grabbed my arm, hugged me, held my hand, and asked if he could go home with me before I could even process what was happening. I told him I didn't know him, asked who he was, and all he had to say to me was 'can I go home with you?' When I said no, he politely kissed my hand and walked away. Seriously, eye contact can not possibly explain that can it? I make eye contact and even say hello to the various cute men of the neighborhood and most don't even return my greeting. Why only the crazies and the homeless Lord? Why are they dialed into my station and the rest of universe is only aware of my existence enough to avoid running into me on the sidewalk?
I was sitting in the window of a frozen yogurt place last week. I was people watching and occasionally the favor was returned with a 'I noticed you glance.' Then this white girl came in and she was right out of a classic (white) American beauty J Crew catalogue. Casual but well put together and seemingly crisp in the wilting heat. She ruined everything. I had been happily imagining myself as a cute girl having yogurt in the storefront window and this chick showed up and I got to watch 8/10ths of the men who walked by do double takes at her. Now I was just a chubby chick with crazy hair eating next to a pretty girl. I left in a foul mood. As I walked up the street sweaty and wilted with crazy hair, I again made eye contact from across a street with a likely homeless man. I didn't look at him again hoping to get past him when I crossed the street without being hit up for money or a strange and aimless conversation. Didn't work. He yelled at me as I walked past, not making eye contact, that he liked my hair. Jesus. Really? I told him thank you and kept walking while I'm sure people thought, yea, you've got to be crazy to like that hair buddy.
Maybe I hope now for a short life with good stories. Less time alone, more assumed potential had I lived instead of the 'wow, made it all the way to 90 without ever having a significant other or doing or being anything different that you were at 35, 25, even 15.' Yea, I'm liking that; good stories that will remain novelties because they can't be repeated and scores of great things that could have been had I lived longer.
I do wonder though sometimes. Really? I'm that bad at connecting with men or rising to a person of interest? I connect with homeless guys on the regular. What's the magic I'm working there and with other random people I don't invite into my life? I was walking in the mall a week or so ago and made passing eye contact with a guy who turned around, grabbed my arm, hugged me, held my hand, and asked if he could go home with me before I could even process what was happening. I told him I didn't know him, asked who he was, and all he had to say to me was 'can I go home with you?' When I said no, he politely kissed my hand and walked away. Seriously, eye contact can not possibly explain that can it? I make eye contact and even say hello to the various cute men of the neighborhood and most don't even return my greeting. Why only the crazies and the homeless Lord? Why are they dialed into my station and the rest of universe is only aware of my existence enough to avoid running into me on the sidewalk?
I was sitting in the window of a frozen yogurt place last week. I was people watching and occasionally the favor was returned with a 'I noticed you glance.' Then this white girl came in and she was right out of a classic (white) American beauty J Crew catalogue. Casual but well put together and seemingly crisp in the wilting heat. She ruined everything. I had been happily imagining myself as a cute girl having yogurt in the storefront window and this chick showed up and I got to watch 8/10ths of the men who walked by do double takes at her. Now I was just a chubby chick with crazy hair eating next to a pretty girl. I left in a foul mood. As I walked up the street sweaty and wilted with crazy hair, I again made eye contact from across a street with a likely homeless man. I didn't look at him again hoping to get past him when I crossed the street without being hit up for money or a strange and aimless conversation. Didn't work. He yelled at me as I walked past, not making eye contact, that he liked my hair. Jesus. Really? I told him thank you and kept walking while I'm sure people thought, yea, you've got to be crazy to like that hair buddy.
Maybe I hope now for a short life with good stories. Less time alone, more assumed potential had I lived instead of the 'wow, made it all the way to 90 without ever having a significant other or doing or being anything different that you were at 35, 25, even 15.' Yea, I'm liking that; good stories that will remain novelties because they can't be repeated and scores of great things that could have been had I lived longer.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Just wanted to let you know
That I'm up too late again and tomorrow will suck accordingly. I also wanted you to know I am sowing bad karma by being cold to the new girl because she's like a nervous overcompensating unpredictable puppy. Since she isn't actually a puppy, I don't think she's cute and she doesn't get the same latitude I would give an actual puppy. My demeanor with her can best be described as permanent newspaper to the nose. Lord help me avoid her mistakes and help me strike that tone that says we're not friends but I don't hate you. Keep her from wanting to braid eachother's hair and confess all her hopes and fears but still not being shitty to her in a way that makes her feel alone in a new place.
I have the house to myself now and it's wonderful. I believe the last of Ashley's things are out and now I have the privacy and space I craved. Ashley is creating her space and I think she is happy too. I miss some of the boundaries she forced into my life, like how long I could stay up watching useless T.V.. She also distracted me from thinking about men by taking up my mental energy on being irritated with her artifacts (hair, spills, messy room), and through her presence making it impossible to have anyone over. So now it's just me by the sea and I do wish I had a hand to hold. Philly has not turned out to be the place for love I hoped it would be but when has any place ever been that place for me?
Three weeks and counting, the Philly adventure will conclude. I didn't wring out the towel on my Philly experience; a stone's throw from the theater and I never went to a play or concert, a comedy club. I met some new and different people all of which I expect I will keep in touch with as often as I do people from high school via the occasional comment on Facebook. I think I will miss more the sense of community and of being known and knowing. Knowing where to go for dry cleaning, for groceries, for walking the dog, all the little things you have to learn anew every time you move.
Somewhat related, I have already mentioned my lack of interest bordering on hostility for the obligatory going away and I just remembered that I also have a birthday coming up--double terrible. I am really becoming crotchety to the point of rudeness as it concerns suffering acquaintances seeking to celebrate milestones with me as friends. We really don't have to go out for my birthday, it makes me sad to celebrate something like that with people I don't otherwise really hang out with. I feel like I did my senior year of high school. I only went to the school I graduated from my senior year so it was kind of a tough transition. I met people and made friends but they weren't forever friends. At the end of the year, I remember someone writing or telling me that they knew I missed my friends from my old school but they hoped I had made some good friends there too. But really, I didn't. That connection just didn't happen and it wasn't anybody's fault. Same here. I spend more time on the phone with my Soul Twin than I ever spent in the company of anyone here. When it hits the fan, the people who have my back don't live here. Truthfully I'm not even around the people here enough for them to even notice I'm splattered in shit.
Which is all to say, a goodbye thingy isn't called for here. We were friendly but we weren't friends so let's not force this moment. Same goes for work. The only person in Philadelphia who I would have been hurt had he just shook my hand and wished me well has already left (Old Boss). I realize it may be a diss for anyone (if they exist) who will miss me to essentially tell them they don't matter to me the way I matter to them. I don't think that is the case here, I just think people reflexively insist on luncheons or whatever regardless of how they feel because that's just what convention calls for. Age is definitely finding me less flexible or interested in pleasing people or accommodating optional shit. Just wanted to let you know.
I have the house to myself now and it's wonderful. I believe the last of Ashley's things are out and now I have the privacy and space I craved. Ashley is creating her space and I think she is happy too. I miss some of the boundaries she forced into my life, like how long I could stay up watching useless T.V.. She also distracted me from thinking about men by taking up my mental energy on being irritated with her artifacts (hair, spills, messy room), and through her presence making it impossible to have anyone over. So now it's just me by the sea and I do wish I had a hand to hold. Philly has not turned out to be the place for love I hoped it would be but when has any place ever been that place for me?
Three weeks and counting, the Philly adventure will conclude. I didn't wring out the towel on my Philly experience; a stone's throw from the theater and I never went to a play or concert, a comedy club. I met some new and different people all of which I expect I will keep in touch with as often as I do people from high school via the occasional comment on Facebook. I think I will miss more the sense of community and of being known and knowing. Knowing where to go for dry cleaning, for groceries, for walking the dog, all the little things you have to learn anew every time you move.
Somewhat related, I have already mentioned my lack of interest bordering on hostility for the obligatory going away and I just remembered that I also have a birthday coming up--double terrible. I am really becoming crotchety to the point of rudeness as it concerns suffering acquaintances seeking to celebrate milestones with me as friends. We really don't have to go out for my birthday, it makes me sad to celebrate something like that with people I don't otherwise really hang out with. I feel like I did my senior year of high school. I only went to the school I graduated from my senior year so it was kind of a tough transition. I met people and made friends but they weren't forever friends. At the end of the year, I remember someone writing or telling me that they knew I missed my friends from my old school but they hoped I had made some good friends there too. But really, I didn't. That connection just didn't happen and it wasn't anybody's fault. Same here. I spend more time on the phone with my Soul Twin than I ever spent in the company of anyone here. When it hits the fan, the people who have my back don't live here. Truthfully I'm not even around the people here enough for them to even notice I'm splattered in shit.
Which is all to say, a goodbye thingy isn't called for here. We were friendly but we weren't friends so let's not force this moment. Same goes for work. The only person in Philadelphia who I would have been hurt had he just shook my hand and wished me well has already left (Old Boss). I realize it may be a diss for anyone (if they exist) who will miss me to essentially tell them they don't matter to me the way I matter to them. I don't think that is the case here, I just think people reflexively insist on luncheons or whatever regardless of how they feel because that's just what convention calls for. Age is definitely finding me less flexible or interested in pleasing people or accommodating optional shit. Just wanted to let you know.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Things I won't miss
I love her. I miss her. But here's what I don't miss.
The Foul Towel: Ashley loves her lotions, potions, and body washes. 3-5 can be used in the same shower session (the results of which are the topic of another thing I won't miss). Ashley however is stridently against the clean rinse and wring of her washcloth. The result after a week is a cheesy smell that hits me once the stall heats up and the moisture activates and lifts the scent of her washcloth towards my nostrils. The morning I met this novelty and discovered its source was one where I wondered how long before she found her own place.
Death by moisture layer: As noted above, Ashley loves the potions and lotions and applies all generously throughout her hair and body. She often spends a few moments after her shower combing out her hair soaked in leave-in conditioner. The result of her post shower-in shower grooming is a moisture slick which has bruised my inner thigh and almost daily ended my life in a mangled naked shower tragedy.
The Hair, oh God, the hair: I would entertain a conspiracy theory that she keeps extra hair in a bag and just leaves chunks of it throughout the house. In the kitchen, in the hallway, in Silkwood exposure quantities in the shower, just every damn where.
Judge Judy/Joe Brown/Real Housewives of Anywhere at all: RIP. Will not miss coming home to you blaring out of the TV speakers while Ashley reclined outstretched on the sofa.
Sound Machine: I sleep like death once I am asleep but it must be quiet and I absolutely can not do snoring which Ashley has been known to do from time to time when she fall behind on her allergy meds. Finally bought a sound masking machine so I could fall asleep without listening to her yawn and move around in her floor covers:
The Room: Before and after pictures coming as this can not be adequately captured in words.
The Foul Towel: Ashley loves her lotions, potions, and body washes. 3-5 can be used in the same shower session (the results of which are the topic of another thing I won't miss). Ashley however is stridently against the clean rinse and wring of her washcloth. The result after a week is a cheesy smell that hits me once the stall heats up and the moisture activates and lifts the scent of her washcloth towards my nostrils. The morning I met this novelty and discovered its source was one where I wondered how long before she found her own place.
Death by moisture layer: As noted above, Ashley loves the potions and lotions and applies all generously throughout her hair and body. She often spends a few moments after her shower combing out her hair soaked in leave-in conditioner. The result of her post shower-in shower grooming is a moisture slick which has bruised my inner thigh and almost daily ended my life in a mangled naked shower tragedy.
The Hair, oh God, the hair: I would entertain a conspiracy theory that she keeps extra hair in a bag and just leaves chunks of it throughout the house. In the kitchen, in the hallway, in Silkwood exposure quantities in the shower, just every damn where.
Judge Judy/Joe Brown/Real Housewives of Anywhere at all: RIP. Will not miss coming home to you blaring out of the TV speakers while Ashley reclined outstretched on the sofa.
Sound Machine: I sleep like death once I am asleep but it must be quiet and I absolutely can not do snoring which Ashley has been known to do from time to time when she fall behind on her allergy meds. Finally bought a sound masking machine so I could fall asleep without listening to her yawn and move around in her floor covers:
The Room: Before and after pictures coming as this can not be adequately captured in words.
How to run your shit
Of course I have an opinion on this. Of course. But I only have an opinion when I observe someone not running their shit and I see them suffer as a result. As a general rule, I do not ask my bosses for anything. Nothing. I tell them. I'm not disrespectful, and I'm not even terribly strident. I try to be the kind of employee I want to supervise. I handle my shit, I manage my time, and I believe they care more about the results than how I get there. Not in an unethical way but in a pragmatic 'hundred ways to skin a cat, pick one' way. If they wanted to tell me step by step how to do my job, and there are some who do, they most certainly will. Most however, work like most things in the universe do and they chose the path of least resistance; they have shit to do too so it would be most helpful if you just do yours without tying them up into how the hot dog is made. If there is a question, it is framed as 'here's what I plan to do, how's that sound' instead of 'what should I do.' I may be wrong but it's easier to edit my idea than it is to think for me.
It is burdensome to supervise people who need direction, advice, or a sounding board for everything; people who have little sense of perspective for when something is truly important and merits supervisory attention. They think everything that bears their watermark has to perfect. That sense of integrity and attention to detail is just the person you want manning our nuclear arsenal but not the person you want putting together the monthly birthday celebration. If that type of person believes the birthday celebration is important to anyone, it will be the best damn birthday celebration their attention to the other minutiae of life allows. It will be better than anyone else is likely to pull off but still not as good as they would have liked and thus brings them little joy. It is a stupid way to live. I live stupidly in many other ways so I consider myself an authority on stupid living and feel I can say that.
My replacement seems to be this kind, the kind that outsources their initiative, distracted by what everyone else thinks instead of wanting to own her success and failure as something of her own invention. She has pinged me on so many questions of zero significance or relevance that I'm irritated in advance of even meeting her. I already don't have confidence in her ability to communicate or in her ability to triage and figure out what is going to hit the cutting room floor because it is not possible to do everything. I feel she will consult her boss for everything from what time she should go to lunch to what the policy is on leaving 15 minutes early. And here's the thing, power, even insignificant power of the kind she is yielding to her management will never be refused. If you give your boss the option of having a registered opinion on when you take lunch, they are going to feel entitled to one. But here's the rub, it will only apply to you. And eventually you will resent it because one day you will break set with his expectation and he will give you feedback that seems unfair in light of how no one else seems to be held to taking lunch at his convenience. But there are no take backs. You gave them purview over that area of your life and now they feel it is owed to them. Further, because you asked them to register an opinion on something they would not ordinarily care that much about, you just took a hit on judgement too because you seek direction others don't.
I really love to be value added, to help people, to make my work place better. I will not however, be asking my boss to run my life, personally or professionally or imply I seek that kind of direction from them. I know I'm on trial with every new person I work for and it is new boss 101 to have a guard up and project a 'prove yourself to me' vibe. I have the same guard up and the pros and cons column is being worked fiercely during every interaction. I'm I'm lucky, the work eventually bears me out and they respect me and trust my judgement and ability to handle myself. Some iteration of "self-managing" or "works well with little or no oversight", has been written on more of my evals than probably any other phrase. If more bosses cleanly laid out their expectations there would probably be less wringing of hands from the approval seeking type (not that we don't all need or want approval). But most bosses don't. That sucks but I prefer the anxiety of setting my own professional boundaries and risking correction over the anxiety of 'mother may I.'
And that's how you run your shit.
It is burdensome to supervise people who need direction, advice, or a sounding board for everything; people who have little sense of perspective for when something is truly important and merits supervisory attention. They think everything that bears their watermark has to perfect. That sense of integrity and attention to detail is just the person you want manning our nuclear arsenal but not the person you want putting together the monthly birthday celebration. If that type of person believes the birthday celebration is important to anyone, it will be the best damn birthday celebration their attention to the other minutiae of life allows. It will be better than anyone else is likely to pull off but still not as good as they would have liked and thus brings them little joy. It is a stupid way to live. I live stupidly in many other ways so I consider myself an authority on stupid living and feel I can say that.
My replacement seems to be this kind, the kind that outsources their initiative, distracted by what everyone else thinks instead of wanting to own her success and failure as something of her own invention. She has pinged me on so many questions of zero significance or relevance that I'm irritated in advance of even meeting her. I already don't have confidence in her ability to communicate or in her ability to triage and figure out what is going to hit the cutting room floor because it is not possible to do everything. I feel she will consult her boss for everything from what time she should go to lunch to what the policy is on leaving 15 minutes early. And here's the thing, power, even insignificant power of the kind she is yielding to her management will never be refused. If you give your boss the option of having a registered opinion on when you take lunch, they are going to feel entitled to one. But here's the rub, it will only apply to you. And eventually you will resent it because one day you will break set with his expectation and he will give you feedback that seems unfair in light of how no one else seems to be held to taking lunch at his convenience. But there are no take backs. You gave them purview over that area of your life and now they feel it is owed to them. Further, because you asked them to register an opinion on something they would not ordinarily care that much about, you just took a hit on judgement too because you seek direction others don't.
I really love to be value added, to help people, to make my work place better. I will not however, be asking my boss to run my life, personally or professionally or imply I seek that kind of direction from them. I know I'm on trial with every new person I work for and it is new boss 101 to have a guard up and project a 'prove yourself to me' vibe. I have the same guard up and the pros and cons column is being worked fiercely during every interaction. I'm I'm lucky, the work eventually bears me out and they respect me and trust my judgement and ability to handle myself. Some iteration of "self-managing" or "works well with little or no oversight", has been written on more of my evals than probably any other phrase. If more bosses cleanly laid out their expectations there would probably be less wringing of hands from the approval seeking type (not that we don't all need or want approval). But most bosses don't. That sucks but I prefer the anxiety of setting my own professional boundaries and risking correction over the anxiety of 'mother may I.'
And that's how you run your shit.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Flow
Here's how I flow; work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work-maladaptive, self-destructive, self-defeating procrastination-work, work, work, work, work, work work, work (much of which could have been less stressful if not for that maladaptive middle piece). I'm in the middle right now following a day of fairly productive list checking. I'm staying up too late and I'm not exercising. So I'm fat and restless. It's awesome. Also, I'm tired all the time because I go to bed late so at both ends of my day, beginning with the achy tired, and ending with the bleary tired, the last place I want to be is the gym. If I would take more than a day here or there to recharge, I'm sure I could probably do better but I'm not seeing that space right now. Everything is up in the air. There are decisions to be made that will settle a lot of these variables but I'm in that space where everything seems like it should be doable if everything works out perfectly. Which makes it seem like it should be done, which stresses me out. I should be able to find a house, get completely organized taking only the things I actually need and use, see everyone who wants to take me to lunch/coffee/dinner before I leave (which by the way is starting to irritate me), go to the gym regularly, keep the house spotless for the 24 hour notice showing, do my work with accuracy and dedication, and remain in a good mood throughout.
Going back to the obligatory luncheon/coffee bullshit, I grieve it terribly. Aside from old boss (OB) and a lady I've already gone to dinner with, my relationships at work don't rise to the level of anyone I'm really going to miss or who is going to miss me so much so that a formal living wake is required. So that means it is insincere which puts me in a foul mood and biting my tongue bloody not to call it what it is and send everyone back to their desks grumbling about what an ungrateful a-hole I am. The other thing that irritates me from neighbor to co-worker is the 'we've got to do something before you leave' empty remark. First of all, I don't need another damn thing to do. Let's say goodbye today because I'm not making any holes in my schedule to do something that is already above and beyond the actual level of our relationship. And those people who treat my departure like a countdown that they want to rush at the end to take me out for drink or something else I can do without them might be the most irritating of all. I have actual friends to make time for, people who want to talk to me and see me even when I'm not leaving town. Those are the people I make time for and try to figure out how/when to see. Nothing at all against what we are to each other, it's been lovely. This is just not the time to stretch that so you can interview me about moving, how I'm doing, and my future plans while "sending me off"; I've already covered that ground with the people who actually care. We both know it is unlikely you'll visit, and even more sure I won't be visiting so maybe we just wish each other well now and go back to how it normally is with you and I both getting along in life without thinking much of the other at all. I'll keep you posted on the highlights via Facebook or something.
Going back to the obligatory luncheon/coffee bullshit, I grieve it terribly. Aside from old boss (OB) and a lady I've already gone to dinner with, my relationships at work don't rise to the level of anyone I'm really going to miss or who is going to miss me so much so that a formal living wake is required. So that means it is insincere which puts me in a foul mood and biting my tongue bloody not to call it what it is and send everyone back to their desks grumbling about what an ungrateful a-hole I am. The other thing that irritates me from neighbor to co-worker is the 'we've got to do something before you leave' empty remark. First of all, I don't need another damn thing to do. Let's say goodbye today because I'm not making any holes in my schedule to do something that is already above and beyond the actual level of our relationship. And those people who treat my departure like a countdown that they want to rush at the end to take me out for drink or something else I can do without them might be the most irritating of all. I have actual friends to make time for, people who want to talk to me and see me even when I'm not leaving town. Those are the people I make time for and try to figure out how/when to see. Nothing at all against what we are to each other, it's been lovely. This is just not the time to stretch that so you can interview me about moving, how I'm doing, and my future plans while "sending me off"; I've already covered that ground with the people who actually care. We both know it is unlikely you'll visit, and even more sure I won't be visiting so maybe we just wish each other well now and go back to how it normally is with you and I both getting along in life without thinking much of the other at all. I'll keep you posted on the highlights via Facebook or something.
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