Devotion

People die every day, everyone dies eventually. Methuselah, purported oldest man ever, eventually died. Even Jesus died, at least in the flesh. But it still feels so terribly tragic. Especially if they were killed. Something in me, perhaps in everyone, especially distresses when people are attacked in malls, at the gym, at school, at work, on the street, in their home. Even for our men and women in uniform serving in theater, I still think we expect most of them to come home. Our losses there are heartbreaking in part I think because so many are killed while engaged in the mundane. Not in a drawn out gun fight but rather driving back and forth from work. Not shooting down a plane in a Top Gun gun fight, checking ID's at the front gate. Not rolling over the terrain during a tank battle, working out in the gym.

I'm not sure if they have changed since I left but when I served, the core values of the Air Force were: Integrity first. Service before self. Excellence in all we do. I hope the person or committee that developed that got their obligatory commendations and recognition because those are fantastic core values. I think those should be America's core values. Regardless of how or if you worship, regardless of what goes down in your bedroom, irrespective of how you feel about abortion, immigration, privacy laws, political parties or whatever else can alienate us from one another, if we embraced those core values and at least collectively tried to live them, what kind of amazing would result?

But even I, someone who their whole life sought to attach themselves to something bigger, to answer high callings, to serve, am growing tired and more selfish with age. But it is still hard when people are dying to take a day off. Even if there is nothing you can do. It doesn't feel right to press on with my ordinary worries and to-do lists, my ambivalency about my own work and whether it actually matters, any attention I give to the posturing and maneuvering of career, my sleeping in because I'm tired and have bad cramps. But that is life and I think I've sought safety in demanding careers because it gave me an excuse for not tending to my own life. Something, everything was/is always more important than getting a haircut, going back to school, visiting a friend or family, going to the gym. Institutions glorify sacrifice, denial of self, full-on consumption of the mission. Even taking care of your body and mind is encouraged in the context of being more available for the mission and better at it. I'm not entirely convinced one must have passion for their career or whatever it is they do to afford the life they want. I think it is a luxury to love your work AND have it support your lifestyle. And I think there are far more pragmatists than fully consumed patriots under any ideological banner but something in the human soul still seeks and responds belonging and belonging to something transcendent. Even if it is never as cool in practice as it is in principle.

I don't know. I'm just tired and conflicted. Maybe it is time to take that break I sought almost 10 years ago. Move back home, go to school, see what happens after that. Or maybe it is time to get serious about coupling, making 2010 the year of men so I can backburner these thorny questions on my sense of purpose and hope to consume myself in marriage and procreation. Or maybe I just continue on. I'm starting to consider that perhaps I can question, examine, evaluate things without abandoning them every time I find a wart. After all, there is no perfection this side of heaven so seeking it is a fools errand and a surefire path to a largely unhappy life.

A morose and brooding way to end the year but that's who I am sometimes so for at least the next 3-5 minutes, I'm going to be okay with that. Happy New Year and thanks to everyone still reading (all 2 of you), especially through these last few months of sporadic and often heavy posts.