How can you stay outside

The abridged lyrics to the song below (by Yael Naim) gave me comfort tonight. They let me know I am not alone which is one of the reasons I write.
--
Far far, there was this little girl
she was praying for something to happen to her
everyday she writes words and more words
just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside
and she's strong when the dreams come cause they
take her, cover her, they are all over
the reality looks far now, but don't go

How can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
how can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside


Far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something good to happen to her
from time to time there are colors and shapes
dazzling her eyes, tickling her hands
they invent her a new world with
oil skies and aquarel rivers
but don't you run away already
please don't go

How can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
how an you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside

Take a deep breath and dive
there's a beautiful mess inside
how can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside
--

Beautiful.

My second winter in Philly approaches and I lament how little I have taken advantage of this opportunity to live in the city, to meet more people. I lament my complete lack of interest in doing so now. I've no momentum for the energy needed to mount that kind of assault on the inertia that has seized me. There is too much else to do and no one to help me do these things, these things I actually want to do. I'm not depressed in the sense I lack interest in doing something fun, I just lack energy to try to have fun, it's not guaranteed after all. Oh I don't know...I'm just in a funk. Tired of being alone, longing for luxury of having someone to complain about. Having a hard time seeing a future for me at work, imagining on the way home, a conversation years from now, explaining my strange journey home to the place I always belonged. I don't even know where it is but it felt like an awesome place. I felt secure, confident, free. I felt like it mattered that I was there. I had something to contribute that could not come from anywhere else. That I was actually gifted at what I did instead of merely adequate.

Don't get me wrong, adequate will probably see me comfortably retired in 25 years but God, how long to spend at something I have to curse, cajole, and drag myself into every day. I don't know what is missing and I'm not sure that some of my daydreaming isn't just frivolous escapism, romanticising things I would grow to dread as well. I certainly would not want anything that would drive me to consider present circumstances with rosy retrospection of the good old days. But life proffers no such guarantee. I make a move, and it either gets worse, gets better, or stays the same. I think if I ever stop trying to be a part of something bigger than me, something that espouses such high ideals and demands a devotion just shy of worship, then, then I might be on to something. I've always been looking for something to give my life to. But I think I've also kind of resented that the jobs I've chosen would expect, demand, and willingly take my life and offer me only baubles, trinkets, and money in return. It's never enough. For either of us. The job always wants more and I want more in return. Not because I need it but because something in me refuses to work harder for less than the numerous drains on space and oxygen I've come across. Because perhaps deep down I have a price, what I will put up with for health insurance, pension, and other trappings of security. Yes, I could dip out and all my days could be available to my whims, at least until I ran out of money. A part of me feels like I need something like that to figure out if I just need a break from work or a more literal break with my life as I know it now. I could try to moonlight another life but I'm a serial monogamist.

Oh. My. God. The dog just lit up the space underneath my nose. It smells like hot garbage.

Time to go outside until the beautiful mess inside of her comes out.