I'm feeling constrained both by my lack of vocabulary and ability to communicate but also by my imagination. I can not conceive a day when I can even count in this language. Wish I had the 3 years to learn that I had when learning how to count as a kid. This process is like being introduced to numbers on Tuesday, doing a couple of multiplication tables on Wednesday, long division on Thursday, and Calculus on Friday. Every night I want to sit down and figure out numbers to some level of mastery but I also feel a pressure to keep up with the Calculus because we are for sure moving on to theoretical physics. I'm having mini-freakout meltdowns on the regular and it's only been a week. So that's what this will be. An emotional and educational journey. Tantrums are to be expected. After all, this process is taking away my words.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
When I was a child, I spoke as a child
And shortly after I turned 36, I returned to speaking like a child. I never thought learning a language would be so emotional. I never thought I would get frustrated like a child just starting to talk. Every child has to cross that bridge between gesturing, sounds that mean words they would say if they could, and actual words. There are tears on that bridge, meltdowns when a parent guesses wrong and the kid screams bloody murder because they are frustrated that they can't get their point across. That's how I feel right now. I can't be me in this language. I can't say what I would say, I can only say what I know how to say and naturally after just one week, my repertoire consists of robot phrases; good morning, good night, thank you, the weather is ____, the date is _____. Almost every piece of electronics I own can say or write these things. In at least 2 languages.
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2 comments:
I could write my own ticket if I knew how to speak Spanish. I'd never go w/out a job. But I'm developmentally disabled at being able to pick it up. Makes me so freaking mad at myself! You hear about people being able to learn languages. Why can't I? Why indeed.
Lodo, it's hard to learn any language but especially hard when you aren't surrounded by it or driven by absolute necessity to learn. As much as I still hold the opinion that if you come to the U.S. and intend to make it your home, you should learn the language, I am coming to appreciate what joy and release there is in speaking your mother tongue. If you were in a Mexican prison or for some other reason just stuck in a Spanish speaking country, I'm sure your Spanish would come along beautifully, as would mine. :-)
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