If

'If' is a funny word. All conditional words (maybe, if, perhaps) when used to convey intention without action are. Like all that is keeping me on the other side of the thing I might do is an external circumstance. It's totally appropriate in the sentence, 'if my ankle was not broken, I would walk without a cast' but not appropriate in this sentence, 'if my ankle was not broken, I would have run that marathon,' like all that was holding me back from a marathon was the unfortunate broken ankle thing. In real life, I've never really wanted to run at all, much less a marathon. Running a marathon would go on a bucket list of things that don't matter to me but are much ballyhooed by others, but not a real thing I want to do before I die.

But I do want to write a book. Or something more than this. I don't even know what it is but I want it. I want my voice in book binding. In something that is one of something, not just sad soup and the occasional funny story on the interweb. I've been using 'if' and 'when' as a stall, like something other than me is responsible for working through the process of creating this thing without knowing what it is, how long it will take, or even really why I want it. I see through 'if' and 'when' when I hear others use it the way I've been using it on myself. If/When I have time, I'll work out, When I have time, I'll take care of myself, If he/she did 'x', I would do 'y'. The truth is, I have time to write. Time is finite and I do have obligations but I don't think I'll be getting a blank check of unlimited minutes for life anytime soon. My father, finally retired talks about all these things he would do but still there isn't enough time. It's not really all about the time. It never has been. It's a good reason, a significant variable, but it's not the real obstacle or reason why so many dreams wait. Often it is fear that something that really matters (to you) might not work out; that there is a devastating shoe waiting to drop. Sometimes it's a trade; security for uncertainty, daydreaming for reality, ignorance instead of disillusionment (for the record, it is not a bad thing to lose your illusions, to trade mythology for fact). For me, it is all of those things and the challenge of Newton's first law.* I do rest real well and my momentum is easily sidetracked.

But I do want to write a book. This morning I started composing the acknowledgements page of my book in my head, thinking of all the people I would thank, scripting the prose in my head, amused with myself that I was creating an acknowledgements page in my head for a book that doesn't exist. Oh well, have to start somewhere right? Happy Thanksgiving all (three of you)!


*Object that is at rest will stay at rest unless an unbalanced force acts upon it. An object that is in motion will not change its velocity unless an unbalanced force acts upon it