What is Love

I know I can't define it or even really describe it but I've been marinating in romantic comedies the last few days and with each formulaic ending, I get sucked deeper into the quicksand of thinking about what fantasy fuels the plots of all these movies and how it influences our expectations in relationships. I don't know anyone whose romance resembles any movie I've ever seen about love. When it does, we swoon. And you know what? Without exception the guys with swoon-y gestures and beautiful prose didn't work out. I don't know if that is a phase with guys where they see if they can be that guy or if they use it as a means to an end because women love living in love like the movies. The only woman I've seen on television whose romantic life I even remotely identify with is the Liz Lemon character on 30 Rock (*moment to non-lesbian girl crush on Tina Fey*)

What people need from love is less individual than fingerprints but more specific than one size fits most. There is something in most of us (men and women), deeply encoded and constantly running in the background, that wants to couple. Be it for sex, company, material wealth, most of us would like to get the best two out of three combo we can manage and get off the dating grid. I don't think people hate dating because dating is bad. Dating just takes a lot of energy and resources and for whatever you are in it for (sex, company, money...etc), it has a low return on investment. Locking it down with a nice guy/girl and not telling the story of your life for the 90th time makes sense for most people.

Sooo.....

We meet someone. Of all the random strangers we've both encountered, we forge some kind of connection. That counts for something with me because we beat the odds already. I can't help but find magic in the things that have to work in harmony for two people to meet and actually become a significant part of one another's life. I even feel that way about my friends. I am very sentimental about how and when we met. It's the part of the movie where you know these two people are going to be very important to one another but they don't know it yet.

We're dating, it's a bona fide relationship of some kind. Neither of us are scanning the horizon but at least one of us is end gaming the relationship, trying to figure out if they can identify the things that will bother them in 10 years and whether the things they love about you/us right now will offset those things. Fine, we all do that. The biggest mind screw to me when it doesn't work out though is 'I love you but I'm not in love with you.' Love can not even be defined but there is some nuance in our expectations that makes a distinction between loving someone and being in love with them. I think anyone who feels that way is really saying, "I love that you love me, that is my favorite thing about you. I do not feel the same way but I really love being loved. That is what I mean when I say I love you; I love you loving me." Any romantic comedy that uses this plot device (e.g. You've Got Mail) shows a perfectly normal and loving person who dagnabit, is just *boooring*.  The person they can't get out of their head is usually someone who is different, gets under their skin, brings upheaval but somehow *gets* them in a way their wonderful dependable boring significant other doesn't.  So according to the movies, I should go for a guy who deceives me, buys out my business, but really means well.

What is so unappealing about being with someone compatible?  What is wrong with the relationships where someone is more demonstrably emotionally invested than the other? Why do we tell the devote they deserve to be with someone as into them as they are into you? Why do we think that is true? Being loved is powerful and assuming there is physical attraction, why would that be a bad life?  Just like I don't believe you can sleep with the same person without some kind of emotion creeping in, I don't think you can be loved by someone and not be changed or affected by it.  You may think you aren't into them but if they cut you off...I can't figure out if it's worse or the same as losing love outright.  I think it feels worse.

I think part of the dilemma in relationships is figuring out how we want love to feel, what love should and should not do to us and for us. Even when to make a declaration of love is a milestone. The postmortem on failed relationships often leads to a conclusion that what we called was love was something else altogether. Kind of useless to conclude a relationship was lacking love or "real love" simply because it didn't work out.  A car doesn't stop being a car simply because it won't start.  Just because English only has one word for it (love) doesn't mean the concept doesn't have the range to include our attempts at happily ever after.  How we test and measure love changes over time I think, as discernment drives us to consider how love is demonstrated instead of how it is expressed.  The purest, most emotionally consistent, and sometimes overwhelming love I have experienced is for my dog. My heart swells at how simply she makes me happy. Love that unfiltered and heart swelling I think is only for babies* and animals. Everyone else is a challenge.  I've answered no questions, but I think I have cleansed my brain.  Rom-Com break for sure.




*(making a very deliberate distinction between babies and children.  Children are short people who can and do get on your nerves and can be very challenging to love as they age)