Yep, I was right. The act of observing something does change it. If I were all alone in the space I would again lament whatever it is inside me that wants/needs an invitation to participate in life. It's coming up on a year here and I've been thinking that I need to mix it up a bit. I got a link from an aquaintance which sent me to a site about the dangers of cameras and sex and I thought, 'yea, I need to branch out.' Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows a website will not be the revelation or warning I need to realize that hooking up with random men and allowing them to tape us having sex is not a good idea. This year reminds me of the 8th grade. In the 7th grade, I thought sleeping together literally meant two people sleeping. In the 8th grade, in a class of 20 kids, people were having sex and pregnancy scares. I couldn't believe any of us were having sex and as an adult, thinking about that time, I'm even more horrified but that's neither here nor there. The point is, this last year, I got to meet a lot of people who have made this my 8th grade. I've never gone out with a bunch of girls who literally swivel around to check out guys and make bedroom preferences common knowledge among the group. I've never met real women who are so active yet so recognizably miserable in the same way about their unrequited search for whatever it is we are all looking for. I don't get any ribbons for sitting in my underwear on a Friday night typing about being lonely but they don't get any ribbons for being hyper-sexual as a saccharine substitute for the real sweetness we both crave.
What kicked this off (I think) or at least kicked me over the edge was walking past a gallery tonight while walking the dog and seeing a bunch of people mingling and talking. A group of black people. I was so excited to see so many in one place in this part of the city and I actually wondered where they all were going when they left. I'm outside all the time and never see any of these people. I told myself I should go back after our walk but I knew I wouldn't go back. It wasn't that it was far away, I was just nervous that nothing good would happen. I knew I would be nervous, I would be warm and probably sweat a lot but it's likely it would go unnoticed. I'm nervous a lot so I think I'm pretty good now at not appearing nervous or terrified of people. We all pick some facet of our personality to put out front and we are never as simple as those fronts suggest we are. Truth is though, I usually can't wait for most social interactions to be over. But like a good workout, it makes me stronger and I'm always glad I did it. I'll either meet someone nice or meet someone really weird and either way it's completely worth it.
But I chose underwear on couch, lonely sad girl instead. I AM sleepy, maybe it was just a better night to go to bed early.
3 comments:
Sounds like you certainly chose to avoid a social situation. Also seems to me that's your temperament. Yet you seem ambivalent as to whether you should try to break with your instincts. My own experience is that its hard to break-out unless someone pushes you, so it s a bit of a bummer that none of these women you're hanging out with has that ability. To push you out your comfort zone. But you know, you could've just said to yourself, "Fuck everybody and everything all the time. I want a Goddamn drink." Tied the dog up in front of that gallery or bar or wherever that group was. Knocked back a cocktail. Or (2). Amazing how a few drinks can grease the wheels of socialization. Maybe next time. Or not.
I had a similar experience in middle school! My family moved to a different state the summer before I started high school, and I loosely kept in touch with my old friends. I was shocked when I learned that one of them told me on the phone that she'd had sex. It just didn't compute. To me, just kissing someone at that age would've been a big deal!
That was the first time I realized that you can share so many things with someone--a neighborhood, a classroom, a birthday party, a soccer team--but essentially exist in two different worlds!
Lodo, until I get that t-shirt made, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to pull off "Fuck everyone and everything all the time." And you're right, it's not really my disposition to be out and about but I am outgoing, mostly through my ambassador dog but even alone, I'm the girl who always says hello as you pass by her and will pretty much talk to anyone. I just don't like big social gatherings. I'm not sure it's something I should be down on myself about, I just fear sometimes that I could be missing my someone by not being "out there." It's a stone unturned and there is a feeling of missed opportunity even if nothing would have come of it.
Tamara: Good God, I know what you mean. I just came from hanging out with some girls who were telling some pretty graphic stories around a guy they didn't even know (who at one point actually asked his girlfriend if women really talk like that). I wonder if they ever talk about my lack of contribution to the raunchy romps stories when I'm not around....
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