Fuck. I'm so mad at myself. Blogger autosaves but I had a craving for the familiar white on black background from my iWeb application so I started on what was shaping up to be a post I really liked. And then my mac froze for like the 2nd or third time ever. Had I saved it? Nope. Does it autosave? Nope. What program can you buy these days that does NOT have an autosave or recover feature? Probably just this one. Fudge nuggets. I'm friggin despondent over it. I couldn't even scroll up to write down what I had already written. Those words won't go back in that order ever again, the moment has passed and so is the headspace I was in to create it. Shit.
What the fuck ever.
So while I was reflective 5 minutes ago over the flurry of marriage, birth, and engagement announcements that have come over the last week, now I'm in the place I predicted I would be in the ghost post. I'm taking it as evidence of my inherent unlikability and resolving to engage in some really absorbing hobbies now to keep me company as I age. I swear that before that regrettable crash, I was reflective. I was walking the dog, absorbed in my new favorite song and confident it would all work out. I was insulated from the world and happy to be occupying the deserted street with the good company of my thoughts, wondering which one of them would grow into posts and which I would invariably keep to myself. It's been a weird time writing lately. I can't seem to string the words together into thoughts. I'm cutting patterns and finding the outfit not quite coming together. It's not draping well, the symmetry is off, it's just off enough to make me self conscious because I can't say what I mean, I don't mean what I say, it's not quite me. It's been a busy time in my soul but the synapse between my soul and my head isn't being bridged with words that I can convey here. It's like my soul has ADD. I am finding it hard to keep up.
Moving on to the song of the moment. Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung. Those who want to point it that the name of the group was first a song by Jethro Tull can save their breath. I know. I know because it came up on Google when I was looking for a clip to post here. My father thought I would like this song and I do. I have been trying to ration the amount of times I listen to it so I can always savor it.
2 comments:
I have an understanding of where you are coming from here. Lately as my posts come few and far between I find that although I feel as if there should be something there, what is there is never quite right. As if someone re-arranged the keys on my keyboard so that what I mean to type and what actually comes out are just the slightest sliver askew of what I wanted. Not enough to change what it means, yet just enough to know that it is not what I wanted. I hope that the time will pass, or maybe I need to freshen up something in my life, throw myself a curve ball. I don't really know now, only that it isn't what it is meant, and what is meant, isn't quite it.
Your writing still seems pretty good to me. Perhaps you're in a transition. Maybe even several transitions. Hard to write if you're not sure what you're trying to say. But you can always flip that around and say that maybe by writing you'll figure out what you're trying to say. That's what great about these blogs. Not just the sharing but the personal discovery.
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