Breaking it down

So I've spent most the last 24 hours with my boss. I thought sometime during the 10 hours we were in the car, we might have that talk. The one about boundaries, or the one about how he hurt my feelings with actions that I interpreted as a manifestation of his feelings about the value of my time versus his, about icing, about please and thank you. Instead we talked about everything from rectal exams to our parents, to continuing our professional relationship by me coming out to work with him in his next assignment. So now I have whatever the least non-committal form of tentative plans to move to California next year which makes me feel good. Good enough to still possibly quit. It's one thing to leave feeling there is nothing for me here. It's another to leave in spite of a perceived opportunity. It feels stronger. Like in the movies when the jerk finally gives you the time of day and you no longer need their attention or want them. Without a bird in hand, you know you deserve and can do better. That's how I want to quit.

I've thought a lot about everything over the past few days and haven't really had any breakthroughs. There are certain truths I stumble across while considering the core angst in play-why I do the things I do, why I feel the things I feel. They give me vocabulary but don't really help me change. I am a student of introspection and I think the practice helps me empathize with other people's humanity, with their 'why' and how wildly different 'what' can stem from the same 'why.' But using introspection as a tool to shape my life...I'm beginning to consider a semester abroad in the school of 'fake it till you make it.' I keep waiting for my desires to align with my motivation and discipline and I keep coming up short. I marvel at what others accomplish and assume they want to do everything they are doing. Few are fortunate enough to have most of their time and life spent pursuing whatever form their bliss takes. What's good for us doesn't often feel good to do.

On the flip side, why am I so hard on myself? I know that no one has the life I envy. The life I envy doesn't exist. Why knowing that doesn't really penetrate that part of me that likes to keep coals at the ready to dump upon my head is probably it's own introspective post. This post has taken several days and I'm back from the Halloween party with my boss and his wife. I had a good time considering that I don't find anything about parties like that appealing. It was cute to watch him with his wife and their playfulness with one another. I think I'm officially unhealthily obsessed. It's too easy to want to be helpful to him. And you know, at their core, people don't respect you when you consistently put the needs of others above your own. Perhaps because the world becomes your parasite. I don't know. I just know I was anxious about being away from work today and I worked over half the day on a week I am not supposed to be in at all. I just wish it were easier for me to relax. I only know how to work hard and I'm not even sure I really work hard so I guess I don't feel like I deserve to play.