Arg aka Moment of Zen

Ashley is jobless again. Went into work today to learn her assignment as a temp ended the Friday before. Came home tonight and she was posted on the couch, wrapped in a comforter, watching It's Always Sunny while wearing prescription sunglasses because she left her busted eyeglasses in VA. Probably with the friend who scored her pot. Whatever.

My boss is going on vacation to Aruba. What. the. hell. I try to take a week off to wash my floors and do laundry and he's blowin up my phone. I do not understand the concept of vacation. I really don't. Every trip I go on is a chore on some level. It's a break from my life but it's not really a break. Going home is looking for ways to help my parents, going to see most of my friends involves a spouse and children. I never regret going but it's hard to get me there. No one understands this better that my Soul Twin. Soul Twin is kind of my go-to girlfriend because we were truly separated at birth. I'm probably going to D.C. for work this week. We'll have dinner or we won't while I'm in town. We both understand how the other gets weirded out and stressed and sometimes just needs to get going. It's nice to know someone who knows what it's like to be me. We can give eachother permission to do things because we know how the other thinks and why something bothers us the way it does. A lot of my friends stretch me and inspire me, ST does that but she also really gets me. I can call her breathless and out of control stressed over something really, really, insignificant. Really insignificant. Like, I wanted to sit outside today and I missed the sun in the courtyard and now I'm in a bad mood, and how that is just a part of a bigger issue/symptom in my hollow life, insignificant. Yea, we can go a good 40 minutes on that and cover a lot of ground. I'm grateful for her.

I am so restless right now. I wish I had it in me to pick up in go, abscond my responsibilities and obligations. I am tripping over myself mentally. Everything is everything. I feel boxed in waiting for something beyond my control to shake the uncertainty from my life. I want to know where I'm going, where I'll be next year. I want a printer that connects to my wireless router, I want a boyfriend, I want to get off of paper mail all together because this paper if freaking killing me. You can't just throw it away anymore for fear of identity theft and I don't have a fireplace anymore to stage mass burnings of shit I didn't want to come to my house in the first place. I don't feel like I am even treading water right now. I have difficulty writing over the soundtrack of the television and kind of dread coming home because it isn't a refuge. I'm ready to admit an unhealthy obsession with my boss which is really a reflection of my life's emptiness more than a measure of his appeal as a human being or a man. He's a place I can direct energy that returns good energy back. It's unhealthy because like any supplement, it's not meant to replace actual sustenance.

In a few minutes I will head to the gym. Had I gone an hour ago, I would probably be pumped but now I'm half dressed under the covers and enjoying a moment alone in my filthy house. The year is almost over and the worst of the winter is ahead of us. I can't believe how wrong I was about what I hoped would come of Philly. I hate the in-between times.