Old

I was making one of my rare visits to Facebook to accept a friend request from a guy I haven't spoken to in years. A lifetime ago, I wondered if something would ever happen between us but we were not a good match. He's one of the people who made Steven Covey rich and would describe Amway as his business (which it isn't). Not only am I not that person but I kind of reflexively dislike people who are so I would not have been the woman who supported his dreams. I would have been the woman who made fun of them. Still there was a moment in college when if I had been anyone else, we would have at least made out. Can't tell you how many times I've spent hours in a car with a guy and nothing happens. I must give out some seriously conflicting vibes. ANYWAY, while I was on there I saw a high school reunion page. I was clicking through the photos and wow, we're those people. All the women have filled out and though they all look like themselves, we're old now. We would easily invite eye rolling and mockery from people in their 20's with our Dress Barn fashions (why oh why won't they change their name), and EasySpirit wedges. Most of the women are tagged with hyphenated names so we can remember them, the men for the most part are more lined and ever so slightly bloated versions of their yearbook pictures.

We are lucky I think that these things happen over time a bit at a time. Only if we look back can we get a sense of how long ago high school was, how much time is etched on our face and in our bodies. When Baloo was younger and we played fetch, she would run low to the ground at lightning speed, twisting her body, going all out like a catcher jumping the wall. She is still just as excited about fetch but she just doesn't run the same anymore. She sleeps more. I'm sure she still feels like herself; hates squirrels, other dogs, loves street food and affection, wiggles like a puppy, but she'll yelp if you rub her hips too hard. I think the mid 30's are the first time you start to feel and recognize age. I spent a good part of my 20's just keeping up with the other people in the room who I didn't realize at the time weren't any smarter than me, they had just been there longer. Now I'm that person. It's actually a great place to be. I am no longer impressed with the length of time someone has worked somewhere and certainly don't accept it as shorthand for competency unless we're counting not getting fired as competency.

The only area where I think this place in life works against me is in relationships. I'm far less open, and I wasn't terribly open to begin with. To be fair, a good number of my peers paired up in their 20's so the field I'm playing in is littered with more undesirable variables; exes, children, whatever has made us both resistible to the opposite sex if we have neither (exes/children). I continue to get the periodic earnest e-mail from guys 10 years younger and I adore how simply they view relationships. If I love her, it will work. It doesn't matter if I live 5 hours away, it doesn't matter if you get a warning saying your don't meet my message filters for age and distance. It's adorable and annoying because you are usually the same guy going on and on about how women say they want a nice guy and here you are, great guy getting regularly dissed by women who really don't want what they say they want. Can't think of a faster turnoff besides tragic personal grooming.

So anyway, I'm old.