Some random shit

Daylight has saved me no time and I want my hour back.

Yesterday I drafted a post called 'things that make me happy.' I trundled off to bed before I finished it and now the moment has passed. Today I'm a hot druggy mess. I was bubbly at work even as I struggled with arthritis in one finger. At least I think it's arthritis. It hurt, what do I know.

Anyway, I helped a friend deal with an asshole at work in what I am going to deem tonight as my trademark perfectly calm and reasoned way of letting someone know I will fuck them up and have absolutely nothing to lose in the transaction. I have already done the math and determined it's worth it so let's do this. Felt good. Haven't worked out in over a week and am taking allergy meds that have predictably thrown my brain chemistry into a heady tailspin. Needed an outlet.

Got majorly bummed about my mom tonight. She's basically slowly starving. I remembered when we talked about my being a donor I proposed the worst case scenario would be that she ended up back on dialysis. I wish I had been right. I'm not sure I will ever stop feeling guilty about that. She went through hell and it didn't even work. Dialysis and waiting for the right kidney would have been our best worst case scenario. It is done but it doesn't mean I don't feel bad about it. I was doing an inventory tonight of what else I might be able to give away while I'm living so that maybe someone will be better off. Pretty shitty feeling all around.

Caught up with long lost Maybe of whom it has been said 'would rather be interesting than be married.' He vented about his relationship, going into its third year, lamenting his lost sense of self and lack of decorating autonomy. It was therapeutic for him and educational for me. He was like a man getting a break from prison, just happy to be free to talk, to have his space. His situation is not unlike mine, under siege in an unwelcome communal existence. He misses his girlfriends, his ability to talk to women at all (I have apparently been grandfathered in but he still called me while she was out of town), his space, his autonomy. He still wants to have kids but not actually raise them or be married. He's such a strange man. But he owns it. I liked catching up with him. I forgot how nice it was to have our kind of conversation. Honest almost to the point of lacking tact. It's how we do.

My father thinks highly of me. Nothing I would have wanted to know more as a teenager I think. I have it now and it makes a difference in how I regard the rest of the world which has never been as hard on me as he was. The world can basically kiss my ass because he might be the hardest man to work for or with that I have ever known. I avoid working for or with assholes when I can but I don't think I could have had handled them the way I have had I not had him as my sensei. He gave me sympathy for the devil. He told me before I got on the plane at 19 for boot camp that no one there would say anything worse to me than he ever had. He was right, they didn't faze me. And as an adult he has randomly written me or called me with the best things a father could ever say to his children. Platinum level shit, y'all. Like throwing down the gauntlet for the yet to be named possibly fictional future Mr. Ava. Mr. Ava is going to have to be tight and right. Dad is mercurial and devastatingly effective at eviscerating your feelings/esteem/confidence, but he's articulate, handsome, sensitive, generous, does the right thing, wants to do the right thing, and is beautifully flawed and fascinating. And he thinks I'm awesome which makes me want to be live that in a way that could probably be taken back a notch. Not sure. Just comes to mind when I consider whether to entertain a conversation with a man who makes it clear he does not want to date me but does want to come over to my house. That's not what someone oozing awesome does. But it is what a single woman with idle time and thoughts to match might.