Open letters: family edition

Ashley is looking for an apartment and responded to an ad on craigslist. She received the following response:

Hi
I did get your response concerning the AD I posted on craiglist. The house is still available but presently I'm not around.. I AM REVEREND Adams Robert the owner of the house.This house is still available for rent but we will only be interested in renting it out to a very caring and God fearing person that will take very good care of the house,we have just move down to WEST AFRICA due my Transfer to WEST AFRICA with my Entire Family as a Missionary Worker as a very Good christian , So we have decided to rent out my house to caring family that will keep the house clean and tidy, I came over here with my wife, we both built the house when we got married. As soon as we settle down here I had a thought of selling the house so I have to look for an agent, after getting one, we got a deal but later my wife advised against that.. She said we may not be able to win the bidding next time, in other to keep our head when we return that we have to keep the house. I reasoned with her and accepted her advise. So I contacted the agent back and requested for my keys and documents. Later we decided to have the house rent out, we would have give the same agent this job also but the truth of the matter is that the agent would want to handle it professionally and the occupant may not be able to reason along with him later. If you notice, you will discovered that the price we are offering is far below standard price, this is enough for you to know that we are not after the rental fee but the absolute care for the property. I know there is no way I can be sure that you are the right person to live in the house because we won't be able to see physical before sending you the keys and the documents to occupy the space. But I just had a feeling that anyone who knows what it takes to put the kind of structure down should know that maintaining a building is mandatory, so if you belief you can take good care of the house and handle it like yours then I will be more than happy to let you rent the
house.

You could give me a call as soon as possible so we could proceed asap..

Please note than you will only be able to drive by the house for now but not have a look at the interior until i have sent the keys and documents of the house to you..and the requirement for getting the keys and documents of the house is a fully refundable payment of $600 USD,which is the security deposit.

Please note that the deposit made is fully refundable should in case you finally gain entrance into the house after receiving the keys and documents and feel unsatisfied or uncomfortable with the interior,but i am giving you a benefit of doubt that you will love everything about this lovely home....

I Await your response so that we can discuss on how to get the document and the keys to you.

You can reach me on the +23470677XXXXX
Best Regards
Adams Robert

Ashley was pissed. She forwarded me his e-mail with this exact quote "He must really think I'm the dumbest motherfucker on the planet..I cant wait to rip him a new asshole." And then she did exactly that. I love that girl.

Dear Adams,

Thank you for your expedient response, it is much appreciated. I'm sorry to hear that you are not personally available (nor an agent) to show the place. I am also very dissappointed to see that the 1 bedroom flat you advertised is now a house you and your wife built and that you are now doing missionary work as a 'very good christian', in West Africa no less. Which by the way I was not aware that 'very good christian's was an occupation and not just a pitiful method to make swindling unsuspecting tenants out of $600 or more.

Let me be clear with you, I am not interested in putting any amount of money down unless I am signing a lease and have fully inspected the apartment. And for what it's worth, I do not believe that you are in West Africa, I think you are somewhere in the area with your thumb up your ass. But on the offchance that you're trying to screw people from international lines one would hope the village or urban area that you occupy is invaded and you are strung up and beaten in front of your family for the charlatan that you are.

If you have made it to the end of this letter, please be advised that I have reported you and will continue to report any posts by you. I have also requested this post to be deleted.

Suck a dick Asshole & thank you wasting my time,

Ashley