No matter what culture you come from, there is some tradition of dance and music. I was watching some toddlers during an African drumming demonstration a few weeks ago and it's striking just how innately we respond to music, to strong beats, to rhythm. Those little critters were gettin down. Some just running around and bouncing randomly, some hypnotized and drawn to the actual instruments. There were some random adults having some Woodstock-esque moments as well, flailing about like they were tripping badly and others just totally digging the beat in an adult 'I-know-I'm-not-at-home-by-myself' way. The drumming was fine enough for being performed by a bunch of dreadlocked white kids and an old Jewish guy who continually gushed between numbers about how spiritual the music was for him but nothing that made me want to get out of my seat. Perhaps it was the absence of actual Africans in his drumming core, perhaps it was just the rudimentary beats they were churning out. Even if the music had made my hair stand on end and made my tummy flip, I would have become dewy with anxiety over actually dancing in public. I love to dance but not so much in public.
Over achiever that I am, I probably became self aware long before children ought to. I loved singing and solos and being in charge and out front and then I didn't anymore. I was so socially shy it was painful and was often mistaken by other kids as being stuck up because I didn't have a problem talking to teachers or people who talked to me first. People assumed they were being excluded but I really saw it the other way around. If we didn't talk, it was because you didn't talk to me and you didn't talk to me because you didn't want to. I also took myself far too seriously, kind of still do. If I was going to dance and couldn't be the best dancer ever or wasn't structured with actual right and wrong moves (think square dancing and electric slide), I didn't want anyone to see it. I think I can count on one hand, maybe part of two, the number of times I've danced in public. One of those times, I was absolutely plastered and soon lost the ability to control my limbs. Another was my best friends wedding, which I was in. Then there was a high school dance, a club in college when I was trying to pretend to be normal...maybe it WILL all fit on one hand (that's what she said).
Anyway, what brings this all up is my Friday night last weekend at a local herpes vending club and my trip in a few weeks to attend a friend's wedding. When I'm at a club (which isn't very often-not really my scene), I'm in National Geographic mode. I just want to watch people and find someone else there to watch people with. A good song comes on but I truly don't want to actually dance because I really can't get in my groove in public. I'll get home, as I did this Friday night, throw on the ipod and work out all that pent up dance until I get tired. I just don't like dancing in public. The thought of dancing on my one-week post boot ankle and looking goofy in addition to being socially uncomfortable just stresses me out. I feel like I have to prepare like I'm performing. And I am, because any time I DO dance, people make a big deal, applauding and drawing attention like people should pay to see it. Which freaks me out more. The last thing a spaz like me wants is that kind of attention. Just ignore me, and I'll probably find my way out to the dance floor if there is a song I'm really feeling. It's nothing personal and it does not mean I'm not having fun. If it makes you unhappy that I'm not dancing, I just feel like a failure on top of it all. Then I can't wait to get out of there so I can beat up on myself in private and wish you understood that while I'm sorry you are disappointed I'm most frustrated because I'm not holding out on you, I'm holding out on me.
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