To Do: Get more black friends

So I'm at this wedding right now--not literally at the actual ceremony but on location in L.A. and I just realized that I might be the only close black friend of all of my girlfriends and possibly the only black friend they have period. Not that any of that matters one way or another but it struck me tonight for some reason while sitting at the rehearsal dinner. I kind of felt like a stranger in a strange land.

I think I need some black friends. The time zone change and general weariness makes it hard for me to chose the precise language necessary to convey why this is a nuanced and complicated matter. Perhaps it isn't nuanced and complicated. Perhaps it is just that like seeks like, zebras feel out of place with horses or some other nursery story way of talking about a sense of belonging.

Weddings always fuck up my head. Too much, too much. Too much thinking. Too much implicit rejection from the crowd that comes to weddings to hook up. Too much food, too much money--I am seriously sick to my stomach over a purse I bought today-I can afford it but it was an impractical and frivolous purchase. I told my table that I am like an overstimulated 5 year old. I can only take so much people stuff and then I start to get weird and need some time in the mental equivalent of the fetal position. Then people think I'm not having fun because they don't appreciate that sitting in the corner watching people is actually fun for me. The bride asked if I would get drunk as a gift. That kind of hurts my feelings on some level my fatigue makes it hard to express. What springs to mind though is Fun Bobby from Friends who was no fun once he stopped drinking. I'm thinking she's hoping for me to become Fun Bobby before sobriety.

But I am fun. I was totally cracking myself up in church with a friend mocking the ridiculously stern church lady who told us all that they believe Jesus is present in the church and thus applause was the only appropriate response to the procession of the newly married bride and groom down the aisle. She specifically forbade "whooping and hollering" and someone muttered allowed about what she would do if someone violated that rule. I said the marriage would be annulled on the spot and we would have to do the whole thing over again. That's funny, right?

I'm totally fun. What. Ever. My new black friends will think I'm a freaking hilarious riot.

So there.