Crap

I have a great mourning dress. The death of someone you know is like a splash of cold water to the face that you have to keep reminding yourself happened when you forget for a moment why your face is wet. I know if I ask my dad if he wants me to be there, he won't want to be involved in the decision. I've been looking at flights and for a moment entertained silly thoughts of driving 16 hours. I've talked to my mom who probably isn't going and if I know my dad, he'll both understand and resent that. I'm thinking instead that I might visit my own mother while my father is away, especially if my brother ends up going to Memphis to be with my dad. She'll really wish she was there if my brother goes, The thought of most of her children actually being in one place without her would make her sad and maybe a little jealous of dad. I'll be sloppy seconds to my brother but I'm sure I'll do in a pinch if she's got no other kids around. I'm pretty sure that if I go to Memphis instead, I'll be glad I went even if it is pure misery but thinking about it in the abstract, it seems like too much trouble. I know I'm not supposed to be thinking or saying any of this but this is one of those honestly ugly streams of thought.

On a related but lighter subject, I have family in town! I've known that they live here but I've never met them before. He is my father's half brother born of another woman long before my grandfather met my grandmother. Even though he wasn't related to my grandmother, someone called to let him know that she had passed and he and his wife called my dad. They talked and I was mentioned and they want to meet me. If that ever happens, that will be cool. My would-be uncle (Snapper) looks so much like my grandfather my dad says that looking at Snapper sometimes makes him want to cry. I think I want to meet him.