Just some random heavy thoughts

Tonight I am tired. I've been dragging ass all week and I don't really know why. Today I entertained the notion that when people you love are hurting it drains you a bit. Realistically, I've probably just been around too many people who are getting over colds. I'm taking a very early train to D.C. tomorrow to see my parents and dreading it. I'm not dreading seeing them, I dread getting up in the morning. I made a hair appointment with my girl in Virginia for tomorrow and thought I would call my folks to be sure they wouldn't mind me being out for an hour or so. My dad answered the phone in the saddest voice I think I've ever heard and told me he had been sleeping a lot and had good times and bad times. The good thing about my weird text messaging family, at least my dad, is that he's pretty good about talking. Already, he's telling stories about his mom and dad, who passed away over 20 years ago. I'm remembering her too. I still can't believe that she is gone. It's not shock, it's just well worn troughs of thought when I think of her that have to be filled in over and over again with 'she's gone.'

I should probably call her.

She's gone.

Before she calls me.

She's gone.

Before my dad mentions that she mentioned me and told him to tell me to call.

She's gone.

My dad said something to my mom about driving 16 hours to the funeral to punish himself. I'm not sure for what but I imagine it's at least in part for not coming home for her birthday last year like she asked him too. He was the only one who wasn't there. I'm sure he helped with the party (i.e. sent money), but he didn't go. Her birthday was actually the last time I talked to her. It is no matter to her now, why should it matter so to me? Looking for bad feelings to cling to and hold close is hardly a way to grieve or remember her. I think it is harder when you have ambivalent feelings about a loved one when they die. I think that is because you are as much grieving them as you are trying to sort through your feelings and history with them. No amount of grief they caused makes you actually relieved that they died, even as an end to suffering--even when it ends your pain of witnessing their suffering. I think death helps us see people for what they were, not what they weren't.

She remembered my birthday always.

Not, she single mindedly pursued me when she felt it had been too long since my last call.

My father was her favorite.

Not, he left home running away from her.

It can be an interesting and difficult task for the living to sort out, how we settle on who they really were now that we don't have to figure out how to live with them. What we can hold dear and what can we finally dismiss now that there is no one to settle the score with or satisfy.

It's 11pm now. I am going to be HURTING tomorrow. What is WRONG with me? Maybe is picking me up at the train and I'm going to look a hot mess. Must. get. ready.