As I have been figuring out how to end things with WBB and reconvincing myself that things do need to end I have been struggling with what I'm dubbing the bird in hand syndrome. In the process I have been developing a greater sympathy with the women who chose to continue being with men who aren't right for them simply because they are there and by 'there' I mean they want your sex. Don't get me wrong, I still judge them and harshly at that (and I know that's not cool but I'm being honest). I'm convinced a significant percentage of the motivation in women who consistently choose hooking up over relationships is in being able to make other girls jealous with their desirability. Empty calories.
I judge myself just as harshly for not bailing earlier, for humoring this to the point it is messy to extricate from. For trading what I want in exchange for being wanted, even if it's just physically. There is a whittling down of the esteem in that exchange, there is erosion of expectation for real relationships, there is loneliness even as his arm is draped over you while you listen to him snore next to you. And still, I'm a little sad. Sad because I don't want to hurt his feelings, sad because I won't have anyone once I let him go, sad that what IS attractive about him can't be eclipsed by what doesn't work between us. Sad because he might just be the last guy I date for several years because so few guys get this far and my trend line isn't promising. This is the longest I've dated a guy in a decade. That sentence makes me despondent. I'm not sure what I learned in all this. I'm inclined to say the lesson is trust my gut and ignore my girlfriends who encourage me to keep an open mind. That can't be good, right? To stay with him though is to keep eating (unsatisfying) drive through because I'm not sure if there's a sit down meal in my future. Guess I'm choosing hunger. That sucks. Wish I could just enjoy a terrible greasy burger and make yummy noises so everyone could wish they had what I had.
No one actually has the life we envy. No one.
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