What I've been up to

I am eating a bowl of cereal for dinner, but not just any cereal, I'm eating 7 whole grains on a mission to make it impossible for me not to fart in public. The fiber in this cereal is almost criminal. And if it weren't so darn good, I wouldn't be eating it for the second time today. I discovered this cereal (Kashi Go Lean Crunch!) last week and have been having a regrettable love affair with it since. I'm not going to resist, I will eventually move on to something else like brownie batter or potato chips. This food obsession is at least in theory healthy.

When I haven't been performing fart and evade maneuvers I have vacillated between anxious/stressed and depressed states. Even though she is lately spending most of her time in 'her' room, it is still psychically oppressive for her to just always be here. She is never not here. And the rare occasions she isn't here, I am usually concerned or suspicious of where she is. I can't win. I daydream of the next place I will live, alone. Where I can have phone conversations that are private, room for friends to visit, not having to think about whether I will come home from my walk to a feast of leopard print, lace-trimmed panties standing in the kitchen making food. I look forward to being the only one to undo any state of cleanliness I achieve.

I feel bad about this whole 'thing' such that it is. When I convinced myself that it was the right thing to do to extend this offer, when I didn't completely flip my shit over the series of low-class disrespectful stunts, it was perhaps for that sister I had when I left home after college. Who was messy but at her core a sweet and kind girl who cared; about doing the right thing and about my feelings. Doubts have surfaced through the years; her deception is the worst kind, projecting an entire false persona that leaves us all wondering who she is really. But I shelve all that because I can't think that of her and not want to lash out at her daily. To put her out, to punch her out, to shake her until the falseness separates like molting snake skin. She is wasting my time. That is what is pissing me off today. Six weeks come six months of lukewarm showers, fucking hair everywhere, juice stains on my rugs, destroyed furniture, dope, disrespect, shit box room. I am tired of seeing her schlepping back and forth, rising at 6 pm on the weekends to take a shower and fix a little something while I am out walking the dog. I am 360 degrees of tired. I am tired at work, I spend 20 minutes at a time in the bathroom during the day just having time to myself. This unhappiness is draining my will to do the very things I need to do to stay healthy in my head and in my heart. Today I haven't showered, haven't even brushed my teeth. Why should I? Save walking the dog and taking out the trash, I haven't been outside. I don't want to hang out, I cherish my time alone like it has actual monetary value. She's watching something on her laptop right now and it still bothers me because her giggles randomly punch into my quiet. My back hurts, there is a line of chewed blistered flesh inside my cheeks from clenching, I wake with headaches, I retreat with headaches. I wore a mouth guard last night and tried to relax, to not sleep balled and clenched. I woke up at 5 am with a headache.

I don't know where to pull from to push through this. I barely have enough to get into work, to walk my dog, to groom and bathe. On days like today, I fall short and manage only to walk the dog. On Thursday night after the power came back on (yea, power outage , why not), I booked a flight to Denver. I tried to go last year but it didn't work out and I had to re-book the ticket before mid-March so...I'm going to Denver in a week. I hope it's a much needed shot in the arm, communion with nature, with sunshine, with friends. I will miss my Baloo, often she reminds me of her mortality, but Ashley can at least be trusted to feed and walk her and Baloo can be trusted to harass Ashley until she does. I purposely planned my trip so that Ashley would not have the house to herself on Friday or Saturday to reduce the likelihood of shenanigans. When did I become a single parent?

So that's what I've been up to. There are other things to cover, heavy things like parents and illness and wondering how long they will suffer and how I can ever deal with a world without them in it even if it IS the natural order of things. Those things can wait though and certainly there is enough here already to make a person's shoes heavy. To end on a lighter but still tragic note, among the potential outcomes for this summer is a job I don't really want-that no one really wants-but that apparently wants me. A friend remarked it was nice to be wanted. I replied it really wasn't, it was nice like an ugly guy like liking you is nice; flattering but disappointing.