Daydreaming my life away

My imagination rocks

The real world simply can not compete. Sorry real world. I had a kick ass daydream today which I naturally sabotaged because my imagination rocks but it is also still generated by me which means there are no happy endings. In real life, long ago in a college physics class, I sat next to this beautiful man--we'll call him Marc. Marc was ridiculously good looking to me, dark hair, suggestive of some kind of Greek or other European heritage. He rode a bike to school back when no one did that and he was just the nicest guy. He sometimes doodled on my paper or corrected my equations when I was clearly off the mark. Maybe he only did each of those things only once but he did do them.

The thing about Marc though was I would get a feeling that someone was looking at me, I would look at him and he would be staring at me. We would just stare at each other and then break the gaze. I didn't feel weird or awkward or anything. It was so completely natural like, 'hey there, of course we're just going to stare at each other for 15 seconds.' I never understood what was going on there but thought it must be something. It's possible he was looking over me at someone else or through me but I thought he was staring at me, that we were staring right into each other's eyes. I could literally stare right into his eyes all day. It was like nothing I've ever experienced before or since.

I don't think about him often but today he popped into my head and it.was.awesome. It goes without saying that I'm not expecting great things to come of my pending trip abroad--I'm never expecting great things and this is not a time to break set with what's been working for me. But man, this daydream was *sweet*.

*Begin dream sequence*

I walk into work the first day and who is there? Marc with the beautiful eyes. Hot damn. And Marc is miraculously single, not gay, and not a man-whore. The eye lock commences and I feel, literally feel, something in my heart/soul/upper GI-tract *click.* This is why I'm here, this is who he is, it is written. Even in this day dream I know this is the one that will end me if it ends, if it turns out to be falsehood or manipulation. So naturally, my daydream skips the rails and he turns out to be a bad guy of some ilk.

Now mind you, this is a daydream. I am awake. I am literally fighting with my imagination, to carve out a happily ever after and can not get there from here. Imagination is a place where labradors can deejay or I could be a multi-platinum hip-hop artist--a place where absolutely ANYTHING is possible.

As my good friend put it, I am "beautifully broken." Seriously, how lucky am I to have someone who means that with all his heart and soul in a way that I can't articulate but know he wouldn't change a single thing about me? That's so awesome. I seriously love that dude. He's the kind of guy who wants feedback on his wedding invitations because they worked really hard to find something unique and in the next sentence is breathless about being able to nerd out on some motorcycle testosterone vrooom vroom something something or a gun. I don't doubt that marriage is all the hard work married people say it is, I have a hard enough time living with myself, but man do I want his heart to swell a million times over making a family with a really great woman.

Something in me is always prepared to be jealous when my friends have made the decision to make someone their 'final answer' but it's just never happened. It's not like I'm thinking, 'ha-ha suckas! Imma be over here marinating in my own filth, wearing cotton underwear EVERY NIGHT, and only shaving when *I* want to! Have fun being married!' They'll probably be living that dream eventually anyway so I'm not really besting anyone. I think I've shed the ideal(ism) that anyone has an ideal existence. There are benefits to the way that all of us live that lead us to chose our present circumstance over another. This is how it is.

In other news

Being inside is awesome. I love being in my house. I love being outside with Baloo on a crisp sunny morning, listening to the storm drain creek, watching her sniff the air. Life is damn near perfect at those moments. Those kinds of moments; beautiful moonrise, leaves crunching under dog paws this is the stuff that makes my life, my life. It is an Edie Brickell, Me By The Sea existence but it has its upside.