I was talking to my mother tonight and out of the clear blue sky she said she had been thinking about me recently. She said she wasn't sure if she ever told me how much it meant to her that I gave her my kidney. She hadn't, and a part of me has felt guilty and feared she resented me because it did not work. I forced her to take it and then she was miserable for 2 years and back on dialysis. She said it was huge what I did and that she was almost moved to tears recognizing her daughter was walking around with one kidney because she sacrificed one to give to her mother. I could not help being kind of amused that she was almost but not quite moved to tears. Mom rolls hard. What she said meant a lot to me even though I don't really consider it a huge sacrifice and think more people should do it. It's not altruism as much as pragmatism that drives my world view as it concerns organ donation. It is amazing when you consider what you can give of yourself and never miss that can save, prolong, or improve someones life. Frankly it is more trouble and sacrifice to love one another well than it is to share what you can safely give from your body.
Returning to my conversation with my mom, as much as I was pleased to hear her say it, I quickly tried to make a joke or otherwise deflect further conversation about it. I often wish we could start over again and I had another kidney to try swapping with a stranger in return for one that might have worked better for my mom. I know if that scenario had ended the way this kidney did and my kidney was still working in some other person, I would be very happy for that person but also deeply resentful for our loss. I would be filled with the same questions about whether a different approach would have yielded different results. I honest to God have a hard time watching the George Lopez show because he had a kidney transplant that worked (that, and he's not very funny to me). I don't even like seeing his healthy looking face. Natalie Cole, same thing but even more so because she needed one as a result of a Hep C contracted through drug use and she got one from a fan. Someone who didn't even know her. Someone who could have found at least 5 people within 5 miles of their house that needed a kidney. People who don't have the resources Cole has. It's not fair for me to resent her, I know. It's misdirected energy, it's wasted energy, and I don't wish her or anyone illness or the tether and complications of dialysis. Just being honest about how I feel after all this time. Maybe a little like some people felt when Mickey Mantle got a liver.
Well that was a steep climb down from the soapbox. Feelin' a little light headed, the air up there is a little thinner.
1 comment:
That's deep shit Ava, with the your kidney and all. It took your mom (2) years to thank you for it? Hmmmm. She might have to work on her game a little bit, even if she is bitter from that dialysis machine. Just as a somewhat unrelated aside, I dont think Natlaie Cole has a heck of a lot of money. In fact, I doubt she has any money at all.
If you cant get up on your soapbox when you blog--when can you?
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