Pure

We were discussing children because that's what women do, even when we don't have any. During the would you rather boy/girl question I surprised myself and pissed off the group by explaining that I didn't want to raise girls because I didn't really like being myself and don't want to bring a girl into the world with my genes who will struggle with the same things. It just slipped out and I didn't see it coming but it was a revelation of sorts. Perhaps its not the sadness that drives people to end their life, it's the promise of freedom from being a person you don't even really like. I defend against others, but save the worst assaults for use against myself. Why wouldn't you want to be free of that and further, why would you want to spin the barrel in a genetic roulette and risk bringing another person in the world who will suffer?

I'm pretty sure I brought down the collective mood with that one-no, I'm positive I did. But I didn't expect that to come out and was as surprised as they were distressed to hear that I didn't like being myself. So I came here to help me sort through this. I started writing last night and woke up this morning still processing. I decided between that, my messy room, my headache, and my stopped up toilet, that perhaps I would call in sick or at least make this a late morning. I showered, took another nap, got dressed, took Baloo for a walk, and then a man freestyle rapped for me.

Did you almost miss that? Yes, a man with pupils that might have been a little too small for the shady spot we were standing, started randomly telling me about his new album. My girlfriend remarked once that I make eye contact and the world changes. I haven't been able to break myself of that midwest habit but as long as it keeps bringing me people like Ethan, the socially-conscious rapper, I'll take the off-color solicitations and requests for money. He's a server at one of the local restaurants. I don't go there often so I was frankly surprised he recognized me but he did and he rapped for me. I can not imagine what anyone observing must have thought about what was going on. Jewish guy with a huge Star of David chain holding a pint of 2% milk rapping to a random lady walking her dog. He was very likely high but also very passionate. I envied that he had something in him that he believed in so strongly, he felt he could not fail. But the entire encounter was so bizarre, I felt God had sent Ethan to me this morning to remind me not to take myself so seriously. It was total crazy town. The title of his new album is Pure Infinite something. Pure was an acronym for something and he tried to make up another acronym for infinite on the spot for me. Seriously the entire encounter should have been filmed. So I'm off to get my drink on (coffee) and see if I can top Ethan for my street adventures today. I may not like being me but this morning I would not have been anyone else but the girl with front row seats for a freestyle rap about Obama and Afghanistan.