Lap pool...of despair

Oh Newman...you're killing me

I write this stuff down so I can know that I felt this way when I feel better. You know, for next time. Because there is always a next time. It grieves me. It's really really hard to insulate myself from bullshit. Really hard. Once I let a little in or feed any of the internal bullshit after midnight, it's like a free for all ass whipping on my soul. I'm not proud of it, I don't think it makes for my best or even good writing, and it's my least favorite dimension in my personality. But it's still mine. It's really peaking right now--at the point where it kind of actually physically hurts. It is not fun. I consider the labrador to be a very important part of weathering this storm and the chief reason I don't have more time to straw man out how to kill myself. Just being honest. She's not up under me absorbing my soul tears, she's down for the night and occasionally sighing but she's here. And if I get up to grab a snack, she'll be even more here.

Odd man out

My Soul Twin back-up plan is a mental crutch. We're not going to live together in the middle of Colorado. Soul Twin has always had and will probably always have a man in her life and one of these men, I think will be the one she grows old with. Truth is, I've had no peers when it comes to relationships among my girlfriends. Either most women are always seeing someone or I just happen to be friends with the women for whom this was/is the case. It's not just that I'm past the ideal 'purchase by' date for manufacturing babies, I've just never been that girl. Mine has been a story of pining since the very first boy I liked in 3rd grade. I know this is a mental virus that will soon pass but right now I just want to eat my sad soup and lament. Even if happily ever after is not for me, it sucks sometimes to not even be considered; you know that PE feeling--hate whatever we're playing but don't want to be picked last for the team.

TV-14

Am I missing something here? Tv-14 is awful for 14 year olds. I realize the world was a different place when I was 14 but I really don't get how most of this stuff is appropriate for 14 year olds. A movie about a gay male escort with the f word merely bleeped out but easily guessed is TV-14? I know I just said I'm not having kids but I do think I might have to raise my kid(s) on a farm off the grid in Montana if I have any because there is a lot of cray-cray on TV and my parental controls wouldn't allow them to watch anything but the news and Sesame Street until they are 18.