All's well that ends well. I've been thinking about my life in the context of that somewhat trite saying. I started out a few days ago marveling at how much this year has managed to pack in; 2 cancer scares, labs on a plane, me on the same plane dehydrated from crying about the lab on the plane and the general upheaval of moving twice in the same year, attempting to learn a new language, confirming that I had not chosen wisely in following through with this assignment with every hurdle and shitty circumstance that followed, the usual inventory of a misspent year.
Still here I am at the end of the year in the same place I always am; sitting in front of a computer to tell you all about it. In the past I've taken stock, made proclamations and determinations in lieu of resolutions, tried to set goals that might create a momentum towards the person I want to be. Not this year. This year I concede the match. Life wins. Reconciliation between what could be and what is--never going to happen. This place isn't so different than the last place was and with every move and increasing professional demand my circles get tighter, not wider. I'm less and less engaged with anything that would resemble a life outside of my obligations and less and less interested in doing anything about it. Not because the part of me that gets tamped down in this existence is mute but because I just don't have the energy for it all. I don't even have the energy to try because I don't have the mental cushion for disappointment. My best energies are spent now in my imagination where everything is still possible, life's surprises are magical, my skin is the best to be in. Light, laughter, and love. Cameos from all my favorite people, nice well fitting clothes, free from pain, never any bad breath or gas, fabulous hair, comfortable but somehow still fabulous shoes. Better that way I think. The happiest people I know don't even have it as good as I do in my imagination.
Happy New Year and Merry Christmas to you (internet).
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