I wanna go back

I wish I was young again. Not because of the body I wouldn't appreciate or do proper maintenance on anyway. I've just been thinking about what makes it harder to link up with someone once you exit your 20's. The guy you marry at 21 or 25 or even 27 is a lot different than the man you marry at 36. The 27 year old guy can still be finding himself in some ways. He could be finishing extended curriculum like med school or a law degree. He still feels lucky to find someone to love him earnestly even though he's choking with debt and just getting started in life. Or he's somewhat established but he's still that 20-something guy wherever he works and relates more to his peers from college and high school. You marry in your 20's and you literally build a life together.

Getting married or even seeking each other beyond mid-30's is another thing altogether. It's a major purchase, pored over like a mortgage, negotiated like a car deal, and with the wariness that comes with wondering if there is something seriously wrong with your betrothed. They have either managed to come this far in life unattached for reasons you can't imagine as the smitten kitten you are. Or they have exes and often children with THAT backstory and potential fatal flaw that you may see repeated in your relationship. I want to go back to just hoping he likes me too.

It's a me thing

I was sitting here scratching my head wondering what makes my boss' life work and why he seems content with things I would not be and seems to be able to participate in life with a far heavier millstone than the one I carry. But you know what, I'll bet someone somewhere wonders how I'm able to do something they don't do. It's not important for this discussion that I have specific examples. We're talking about a concept here, not something that is necessarily true. But it would be cool if someone thought I was amazing in trivial ways, assigning great weight to something ordinary like walking Baloo. That my ordinary just taking care of life baseline could be amazing to someone.

Yea, that just happened

Is this why I'm single?

Actual message sent to actual guy. I decided he wasn't cute enough for me to care. Yea, I know that sounds awful but that IS why I did a manual override on common sense and hit send.

Okay. I've decided to go for broke and let you know I've already figured out how what our little mocha babies would look like and how much you're going just LOVE Romania which by the way is where we're headed next. My job makes me move about every three years but we'll get to that. So much catching up to do.

Hope you can back up your love of sarcasm because I just laid it down. What you got?

Open letters: family edition

Ashley is looking for an apartment and responded to an ad on craigslist. She received the following response:

Hi
I did get your response concerning the AD I posted on craiglist. The house is still available but presently I'm not around.. I AM REVEREND Adams Robert the owner of the house.This house is still available for rent but we will only be interested in renting it out to a very caring and God fearing person that will take very good care of the house,we have just move down to WEST AFRICA due my Transfer to WEST AFRICA with my Entire Family as a Missionary Worker as a very Good christian , So we have decided to rent out my house to caring family that will keep the house clean and tidy, I came over here with my wife, we both built the house when we got married. As soon as we settle down here I had a thought of selling the house so I have to look for an agent, after getting one, we got a deal but later my wife advised against that.. She said we may not be able to win the bidding next time, in other to keep our head when we return that we have to keep the house. I reasoned with her and accepted her advise. So I contacted the agent back and requested for my keys and documents. Later we decided to have the house rent out, we would have give the same agent this job also but the truth of the matter is that the agent would want to handle it professionally and the occupant may not be able to reason along with him later. If you notice, you will discovered that the price we are offering is far below standard price, this is enough for you to know that we are not after the rental fee but the absolute care for the property. I know there is no way I can be sure that you are the right person to live in the house because we won't be able to see physical before sending you the keys and the documents to occupy the space. But I just had a feeling that anyone who knows what it takes to put the kind of structure down should know that maintaining a building is mandatory, so if you belief you can take good care of the house and handle it like yours then I will be more than happy to let you rent the
house.

You could give me a call as soon as possible so we could proceed asap..

Please note than you will only be able to drive by the house for now but not have a look at the interior until i have sent the keys and documents of the house to you..and the requirement for getting the keys and documents of the house is a fully refundable payment of $600 USD,which is the security deposit.

Please note that the deposit made is fully refundable should in case you finally gain entrance into the house after receiving the keys and documents and feel unsatisfied or uncomfortable with the interior,but i am giving you a benefit of doubt that you will love everything about this lovely home....

I Await your response so that we can discuss on how to get the document and the keys to you.

You can reach me on the +23470677XXXXX
Best Regards
Adams Robert

Ashley was pissed. She forwarded me his e-mail with this exact quote "He must really think I'm the dumbest motherfucker on the planet..I cant wait to rip him a new asshole." And then she did exactly that. I love that girl.

Dear Adams,

Thank you for your expedient response, it is much appreciated. I'm sorry to hear that you are not personally available (nor an agent) to show the place. I am also very dissappointed to see that the 1 bedroom flat you advertised is now a house you and your wife built and that you are now doing missionary work as a 'very good christian', in West Africa no less. Which by the way I was not aware that 'very good christian's was an occupation and not just a pitiful method to make swindling unsuspecting tenants out of $600 or more.

Let me be clear with you, I am not interested in putting any amount of money down unless I am signing a lease and have fully inspected the apartment. And for what it's worth, I do not believe that you are in West Africa, I think you are somewhere in the area with your thumb up your ass. But on the offchance that you're trying to screw people from international lines one would hope the village or urban area that you occupy is invaded and you are strung up and beaten in front of your family for the charlatan that you are.

If you have made it to the end of this letter, please be advised that I have reported you and will continue to report any posts by you. I have also requested this post to be deleted.

Suck a dick Asshole & thank you wasting my time,

Ashley

Is it just me?

Sunday night I noticed something in the hallway of our condo which turned out to be poop. There was also a small turd in the breezeway near the common entrance. I tried but I couldn't make up a story that explained how where and why the poop was. I wondered if anyone would end up stepping in it and I wondered how much life would suck for the guys who clean the complex during the week to be welcomed back on Monday with mystery poop in the hallway that had clearly been there long enough to be noticed by someone else. I thought of Max, the guy who came in on his day off to bring me a birthday card, cleaning 24 hour old poop off the carpet and floors and went into the hallway and cleaned it. It wasn't much but it was poop. I'm still wondering who in the world would leave shit in a hallway. Tonight while walking the dog I kept hearing folks run over a hubcap that was sitting in the middle of the road. I went into the road, picked it up, and threw it away.

Am I the only one who does things like that and feels so good?

An experiment

I've been adrift these last few months, dealing with life, pining for what I don't have, feeling frustrated lonely and miserable. At times, I've shared these things. There are no new stories, only varying ways to tell the tale and this blog/journal circles like vultures over carrion with the same themes. Mocking men who approach me online and in life and lamenting the poor selection of men in general (side note: alarming number of men online rocking only the high school diploma), hating on the people who do link up (seriously though, I see a troll of a person kissing their honey goodbye and really wonder about that backstory. Then I earnestly compare myself to someone I don't even know, thinking her skin is smoother than mine, she dresses sluttier, she probably does x sex thing to/for him). She could be a miserable human being but she's validated because someone wanted to lock it down with her.

Anyway, for the next five posts I'm going to try to leave those things behind for a while, let them fester and get nice and crusty. I shall try something different.

Stay tuned.

Guess I'm having a good day

So the rapture is right on schedule for whenever it actually happens years after Saturday. People predicting the end of the world are like people who drive with a turn signal on, eventually it will be right (or left-whichever one you've got blinking). What gets me, among the many, many things that get me on any given day is people meeting the end of the world with fear. Now trust me, if hell beasts start roaming the streets and I have to survive on whatever is in my house right now while I fend off my former friends and polite acquaintances for what's left of this wretched earth, this girl will not be having a good time. Those who don't survive the first pass would count themselves lucky for the horror they are spared. But the notion of fear based on the end of life, while natural, is stupid. No one gets out alive. No one. And we cling to it as if one can escape a brush with death and be done with it for all time. I rejoice and thank the Lord a thousand times over that my Mom is still here with us but it has occurred to me that one day, if things progress in the natural order and I don't precede them, I will have to grieve my parents.

But what a good life is about is feeling that shock and grief and loss because truly while there is life there is hope. We can't even help ourselves. The minute we start breathing again on our own, we're sad that we can't walk. We immediately take breathing for granted. Something a machine did for us for over a week we take as a given and wonder when we're going to drive again. That's amazing. That's got to be why we keep searching, keep inventing, keep wanting more than we have. There's a spirit in every living thing that seeks to reach capacity. To be as much as the environment permits. To exceed the environment. The more we take for granted, the better the run at life we're having. I didn't think anything of walking until I watched my Mom struggle to wipe her nose. I get to itch all my scratches, type, shower, wash my hair, complain about how much my feet hurt (and they do hurt-Lord, it's like I'm being stabbed) after a long walk or a run. I don't even think twice about being grateful for mobility.

Just when I try to be grateful effin blogger loses half my post and all my changes. Got your number blogger....we'll see if you're among the chose this Saturday. My guess is you are heading for a world-of-hurt-apocolypse. Serves you right.

I hate computers.