Ambivalent

Preparing for this mock language test tomorrow is like asking me to prepare for the rest of my life before Monday morning. I haven't a clue where to start. I am having a crisis of confidence, a consequence of some poorly timed and poorly handled feedback on my progress.

January was a banner month for me. I felt like I was finally able to have something that resembled a conversation in this language. It was still riddled with imperfection but I was starting to find the words I needed even if I didn't always conjugate them correctly or use the correct gender. I felt like I had something I could work with for the next few months and would start making some significant strides. Not so much. According to the experts, I'm far enough behind where I should be that it would be a miracle for me to hit my marks in the time I have left. Seems like something that should have come up before now but I don't want to digress too far off topic to dig into that ridiculousness. It is what it is. It has been a very deflating two weeks and I'm two steps back from the three steps forward I felt I made.

I'm disappointed in an abstract way not to be oozing excellence but I'm more disappointed in myself for not trusting my own instinct about how this was going to play out. I should have found a new teacher as soon my current teacher told me, "That's just the way it is boo," when I told her I didn't think we would get there from here if we didn't spend time on the basics and kept piling on additional information out of context. No, that's not just the way it is, boo. This is not a Bruce Hornsby song and I'm paying several grand a month for one-on-one instruction. I say how it is.

I used my best learning-as-buildling-a-house analogy to come at the importance of a solid foundation from another angle. All I got in response was some urban slang and "This is how it is. This is how it works." So I deferred to her judgement and my desire to just have one thing locked down 3 weeks after moving back to D.C. and literally set myself up for failure. Perhaps I would still be in this position if I had found another instructor who focused on fundamentals and complemented my learning style. I honestly don't think so. I think I would be killing it. But I can't know that so I'll salvage what can be salvaged from this, which is largely an object lesson in ownership. If I'm the one accountable, then we do it my way. I would rather fail on my terms. Doesn't mean I'm immune or resistant to wise counsel but this was a no-brainer really. I never should have doubted myself. Nothing against her as a person but she is not a good instructor and I knew that in the first 3 weeks. Live and learn.

I was talking with a friend today and she asked if I really wanted this job. I responded with my typical 10 minute answer but thinking about it now and trying to distill how I feel into far fewer sentences, the word I would pick to describe how I feel is ambivalent. I had/have no innate desire to go to this place but my penchant for magical thinking, my curiosity, and my lack of more desirable options at the time all came together and here we are. I have often felt anxious with the anticipation of something new but I have never had the ominous feeling I have had (just once) in thinking about this assignment. I was just out walking the dog and something just came over me. A very strong feeling of dread/fear/anticipation of something bad. So now, I am passively open to an out in whatever form it comes. But if it doesn't come, I guess I'll go. All that to say, I'm disappointed that I'm not excelling but as it concerns this assignment, they have no power over me. There will be no crying in my cornflakes if this doesn't pan out.