This is my last weekend in the boot. When I teetered tottered out of the hospital almost six weeks ago, walking was taxing. On one hand having the ankle stabilized meant I could bear weight more evenly, on the other my awkward gait made me ungainly and attracted attention for all the wrong reasons. Now I move like a pro. I have my pro-boot routes worked out on the city sidewalks. I have some new dresses. I have a smaller calf but more defined thigh. Everything unusual becomes normal after a while. We have an amazing capacity to absorb and adapt.
I want to be around more disagreeable people. You always know what is on their mind. Few things put me as ill at ease as someone talking about someone with whom they seemed close the moment that person leaves the room. I assume for self-preservation's sake they are merely tolerating me as well. My boss does this often. My boss also likes bullies. I don't care for chest beating but I do wish sometimes that something could go down where he would gain appreciation for what provokes me to ruthlessness. But there really isn't much there. I don't like screwing people over to exercise my power. Even if I did, who needs the trouble of a lot of random people in the universe who relish an opportunity to pay it forward back to me ten-fold. I just want to be left alone. I realize that is very high school but it's just as much adulthood. As much as I have always wanted to belong, I can never seem to commit the random acts of belonging necessary to get in the club.
The first interrogation I assisted with, the other agent cursed at this girl and really bad copped it to the hilt. I worried I was going to suck at the job if that's what it took because I'm just not the person who is going to get you in a room, back you in a corner, and yell at you for a half hour until you ask for a lawyer. Thirteen years later, I still remember that girl's name. First and last. And she did ask for a lawyer. And we didn't make our case, if there was one to be had. It was great to see that way not work because it gave me some measure of confidence to figure out my way. I'm not sure it is good logic to assume because someone's method didn't work that it is faulty or to inwardly rejoice at friends and colleagues failures as implied superiority of my methods, if they are indeed 'methods' and not just habits (many of them bad) and preferences. Sure I haven't been on 3 dates this week but none of them worked out so sitting on my ass on a Friday night is just as an effective strategy for finding that special someone as OG's multiple free dinners. Plus she's missing out on all this:
3 comments:
Congrats on getting the boot off. Have to believe you're going to enjoy that. In regards to talking 'bout people when they're not there, I think that's just what people do when they don't know each other very well. They talk about other people they know! But if they disparage them badly--then yes, you can bet they're doing that to you too. Give that dog of yours a squeeze for me. I'm gonna see mine over July 4th. Yeah!!!!
Thanks Lodo. I'm not sure I'll know what to do with myself without the boot. It's like it has always been there. I agree with you about talking about people, and I do mean when they disparage someone badly. Like saying they are worthless after fussing over them and asking about the family and going on and on about how much they missed the other person. I'm so glad you're going to see your girl in a few weeks! Mine just hustled a bunch of firefighters for butt scratches and rubs. I think I could have walked away and no one would have noticed, she was really working the crowd.
Yeah to getting the boot off. Good luck.
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