What I'm looking for

Perhaps a clue into the mystery of my relationship status, this profile rocked my world. I totally wrote this guy and judging from the deafening silence, he wasn't feelin' Ava. Still, this is the kind of thing that catches my attention. Ladies, wouldn't you at least like to hang out with this guy? Is it just me? Be honest.

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Here are some solid reasons you can feel good about dating me:

1. My name cannot be found in any sex offender registry.
2. My name cannot be found in any bridal registry.
3. I have a cat who only gets poop on himself once a week, maybe twice.
4. I am not perfection and I require perfection from no one.
5. I'm loving, affectionate, loyal, bitingly sarcastic, shy, self-deprecating, honest, and drama-free. I open doors and pull out chairs. I cuddle. I give good foot massages. And I'm looking for my best friend. Admittedly, I'd like a best friend who'll do questionable things to/with/in front of/behind/above/below me, but the best friend part is most important.


Things to be concerned about:

1. I watch Total Recall once every 6 to 8 weeks. You don't have to be present if this bothers you.
2. Repeated from the first list, but I have a cat. Dudes with cats. Creepy.
3. I probably won't like your dog, especially if it shakes or yips. Maybe if it's a cool dog. Like a wiener dog. They're pretty awesome.
4. I'm a night owl, which is why I'm updating my profile at 3 a.m. on a Thursday.
5. I'm a homebody, which is why I'm updating my profile at 3 a.m. on a Thursday.

First Date
Three words: Red F*ckin' Lobster. When you travel with me, you travel first class. Air France. Concorde. Before all those people died.