Phase 1

Before I even get into what Phase 1 is, let me just say I know I will vacillate in this final Philly year between Phase 1-go-time-Philly-bucket list and I-don't-want-to-leave-the-house-the-world-is-scary-and-hurtful. But I am kicking off this final year with many of the same feelings I started with almost 2 years ago. Lets do this, Philly.

One of my favorite quotations is from the short story, A Good Man is Hard to Find (ain't that the truth). A character says, "She would have been a good woman if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life." That's me. I'm that woman. What good I find within and without has to be stomped out of me like grapes, crushed out of me like peanuts, reduced in me through fire. Through trial, I am refined.

So Phase 1 is my 'do' phase. More doing, less thinking. More importantly, less investment in the outcome because the more your try, the more you fail. So if I play my cards right and really get into this, the 2010-2011 season will be a triumphant failure. I will either eke out a respectable ratio of wins to losses or feel fully justified in tucking in for the 2011-2112 season and picking out the hypoallergenic cats I'm going to spend the next 20 years with.

I love how I bargain with life like it owes me something or has any agenda or interest in my existence. I guess when it comes down to it, I'm bargaining with myself and in that way I am still limiting myself with artificial constraints. My departure from Philly is a convenient mental rallying point because it comes with an adjustment in perspective and attachment. It helps me regard this time like what is always is, precious and finite. Yes, everywhere I go, there I am. One year in Philly or 5 minutes at the North Pole doesn't change that but for some reason the constraints, real or imagined work for me. I will work harder to say yes, I will try harder to not be afraid of rejection and court the possibility more often. Tonight I wrote a guy I've talked to 3 times over the last 2 years. He's attractive but I wrote him not to flirt with him but to challenge him. He has a great eye for photography, is dis-engaged, and from a family of short-timers. I asked him if he's considered dusting off that dream. He's probably going to think I'm weird. He's not wrong. But I did it.

So yay.

At least for now.