Hater

I'm annoyed with all of you, who in spite what is obviously wrong with you have managed to find someone who said yes. Yes to everything. I'm annoyed that you manage to travel, that you do interesting things, know stuff I'm not interested in learning but hate that you know. I hate that you think you know how I feel, that you can commiserate with me when I know full well your life is more than sleep and eat and you don't understand why I feel like people should be lining the sidewalks cheering when I manage to mail a package. I resent your triumph in circumstances that would (and do) best me. I'm not the person to tell that you've decided to run a marathon. I'll admire the crap out of you and hate myself even more. Totally not your fault but that's totally what's going to happen.

And I hope you resent me too. I hope there is something about me beyond you. Something you wish was innate, like my hateful attitude or my militant streak. Or my legs. Or my street fighting dog. Or my dating (and general) misfortune for its intrinsic storytelling value.

I'm a great friend to those in sorrow and a terrible friend otherwise, especially if you aren't physically close. It's not so much out of sight out of mind, more out of arm's reach and I'm a deeply lazy person. I'm also a service oriented person. If I'm not doing anything for you, I'm not sure what we're doing. Having fun doesn't count. Maybe because what I wanted figured into very little growing up, maybe because I'm just wired that way but if it's not mandatory or exigent, it's harder to make a space for it. Who knows. I don't like feeling like I'm being fit into the corner of a person's otherwise overflowing life. I struggle to understand what I'm doing there. I don't like feeling bad about myself as a result of surrounding myself with people who are doing a better job at giving life a better run for its money. I walked home in a muttering mood in the dark wishing I was the kind of person who considered the night young at 7pm and was annoyed that my cancelled trainer appointment was found time only for me to stay later at work. And I stayed at work because what else was I going to do? I hated the cold and the feeling there was no one to call, no company to be had. There is fur covered brown-eyed company currently willing me with her eyes to de-ass the couch and venture back out into the cold but aside from that...

I'm annoyed with how slow I can sometimes be. That I didn't immediately recognize the gentle brush off from SBJ. I'm annoyed any grey matter of mine is even devoting attention to the notion of continued contact with someone who seems at least on paper to be kind of terrible boyfriend material. I'm annoyed in a very macro sense at times that I'm not white because being black is such a non-starter to so many men I might otherwise talk to. I don't want to be white but let me tell you, it never ceases to sting a little to see my demographic excluded. That part of a person that wants to belong well, just wants to belong. Doesn't want to be left waiting to be picked because of something that doesn't even speak to whether you would otherwise get along. It is what it is though and truly not something to dwell on as there is absolutely nothing to be done about it.

I walk by a condo often. The blinds are always lifted enough to see a bit inside. It's a static kind of messy that I sympathized and identified with. I saw a game console guitar, various plants in stages of death-I wanted to knock on their door and call them kin. I assumed it was a guy living alone and then one day discovered it was a couple. Annoyed the shit out of me. Not sure why.

All this hate is making me sleepy.