Boo

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to finish some chores early and have this great expanse of time to sort out all the virtual posts I've been making in my week away. Instead I'm an hour behind the hour I lost to the arbitrary daylight savings time fairy. I'm dreading work in the usual way and haven't exercised in a week. Denver was wonderful company with mostly shitty weather and though I shouldn't, I did take the weather personally.

I am not Catholic but I do like the idea of Lent and often try to participate just because. This year I considered giving up online dating but then gave up giving up things. I wasn't in the mood to break my habit of hanging out in the sad singles bar that is online dating doing about the same thing I do in regular bars; read and hope against all odds that someone amazing notices me.

Right before I left for Denver IBC surfaced and told me I was a good friend and opened up a bit about this last long term relationship which set me off daydreaming and regretting and wondering all over again. A recap for those who have not mentally indexed the blog, IBC (short for Inappropriate Boy Crush) is a dear sweet guy close to a decade younger than me who used to ask me out to things (including his family cabin where he told me loved me). I was never quite sure if he was pursuing me as a friend or had something else in mind which provoked in me a charming mix of aloof and spastic so I never did confirm in conversation or otherwise where his head was at when he told me he loved me. I just know he's special to me and when he was dating someone else, I felt bad I had missed my chance to find out what was on his mind back then. He's actually one of the good guys. His label on my phone was Opie when I first met him. He's just adorable.

I've been trying to figure out how I will feel about this time in my life when I'm old. Will I cherish my debauchery (such that it is) or tell cautionary tales? Will I ever take a real risk in the actual moment with IBC or anyone like him or will I maintain my poker face and continue to analyze the moment long after it has passed? Will it be unambiguous if it's ever right? I just know I rewrote the ending to that encounter years ago with IBC over and over again in my daydreams and wished I knew if he was a good kisser. I can't conceive a world in which we would actually date and my optimistic guess is we were interested in eachother but both too serious/pragmatic to make that move. Too much a chance it would be very messy and feelings would be hurt.

It's just so much easier when feelings aren't involved. Loving the one you're with, even though it is singularly unsatisfying (so far) in all the ways that matter--I understand the appeal. It feels great not to care. Like buying a knock off bag. It's a waste of money but to the untrained eye, it looks covetable, it gets the job done, and it's not a tragedy when it falls apart. I have another weekend to myself coming up and I am tempted to dust off an old knockoff just to have something while I wait for nothing else to happen.

Boo to shitty weather, boo to Monday, boo to men, and boo to daylight savings. Just Boo.