from a few weeks ago that I felt like publishing....unfinished and unlikely to ever be finished but I wanted Lodo to at least know I wrote him an open letter.
14 September
Forgotten but not gone
I've missed you blog. This move has been especially disruptive for writing which is a shame because I'm frankly constipated with all the shit I've been wanting to sit down and sort out. There was the joy of camping out on the air mattress after the movers came, the final messy disjointed Beverly Hillbillies Clampett-loaded car roll out of Philadelphia, the initial separation anxiety over the culture shock of returning to the D.C. metro area, the unpleasant spade work of searching for a place to live, the move in, the power outage, the Soul Twin departure, and today, the 6 hour road trip to Philly and back to tie up that last loose end.
On the subject of today's road trip, I didn't want to do it. I was a little emotional about it really last night when Ashley texted she couldn't unscrew the coax cable on the modem I forgot to return with my cable box. It was my issue and my fault for overlooking it. Still I hoped to get some pay it forward return on investment for all the things I think I do for people just because. *Cue self-righteous martyr mode* Maybe I'm not as considerate as I think I am and only hear what I want to believe about myself but if what I spend my time thinking of is any indication of my priorities, professionally, I obsess over how to get things done and how to help people get things done. That does not seem to be the case for most of the acquaintences I made in Philly and it certainly isn't the case for my family.
Though it's not good material, I have a desire to vent and be vindictive about it. Moving is stressful and I'm off for sure. I feel vulnerable and sad and alone and then I feel strong, amazing, proud and fully capable of taking care of myself. I'm sure my Prius can tow, but it's not built for towing and it will take its toll. That's how I feel today about not coupling. I look at lovely Baloo and her confident well mannered and balanced approach to life; she isn't afraid of anything, she's wonderful and predictable with people and children, she considers every open door to be an invitation. Except as it concerns other dogs. She is anxious around them and projects aggression as a means to protect herself. She grows tall, fur stands up, posture is erect, and she is about the business of letting the other dog know she's in charge and won't accept them as dominant. It they want to test her, she will flip out, say some nasty things in whatever language dogs speak and commence the mount and/or stealing of toys/warm visitation with the owner of the other dog. I look at her and I see myself. Minus the mounting and taking of toys.
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Dear Lodo
I keep composing this in the car or in the shower or while out walking the dog or doing anything that prevents me from writing this down when I know what I want to say and how I want to say it. I addressed this post to you because you are the person with whom I've had the most consistent dialogue on here and you are the only person I don't know who reads regularly. Not only is that encouraging because someone who has no sense of personal obligation/relationship to me is reading, but also because I admire your talent for storytelling and insight. It is hard to tell a good story and you do a great job.
It's been a long month Lodo. I moved, then helped a friend move. I wallowed in a bit of a sad sack feeling not at all helped by my abandonment of exercise and the routine I had going. I'm up late, up early, I'm watching hours of TV, it's spiraling into a full out funk. It's an act of will to bathe. I can't sleep until I do and I won't do it until I'm so tired I ache. I've been thinking a lot of the guy, the guy from over a decade ago who isn't really a guy anymore. He's more a representation of what I thought that had the potential to be. I think he's somewhere in the D.C. metro area and I keep bracing to run into him. I haven't run into the same person twice in the apartment complex I'm living in right now, not sure why I'm bracing to run into that guy.
2 comments:
Wow! Right now I'm in the middle of a biography on the great Wayne Shorter, much of which centers around his spiritual journey as an artist. At one point he says,
"I had to believe that even when the family thing was crumbling, when it was getting the darkest, I must be breaking through. When you think that there's no place else to go and you're getting near the end and panicking, that's when the adversity that has accumulated is panicking too, because it knows its losing its hold on you."
Might be a bunch of BS, but it struck me as profound. And useful. What to keep? What to hold on to? Sometimes we hang on to things that create or cause adversity simply because they're familiar. Like old friends we really don't like, but we've known for a long time. But sometimes, you've gotta drop the deadwood, and usually there's a lot of stress that leads up to it. But once the cord's cut..."Ah! Relief and empowerment." Maybe (maybe!) that's where you're at now. Or where we always are.
Totally profound. I read that to my language instructor and they got goosebumps. Good stuff. No idea where I'm at in that continuum of shedding deadwood of powering through an experience that will only make me better but for now I am here. That place is kind of interesting in an abstract way as it taxes my brain to learn to count or comment on the weather. Loved the line about adversity recognizing its losing grip.
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