Transition

I have a Soul Twin. She was the only person in my life who had near unlimited time for me; no kids, no significant other. The person you could always count on to call back the same day. I don't resent other friends with their spouses and kids and hobbies (i.e., lives) but I know they don't have time to hang out with me on the phone while I pick out my clothes and walk my dog or browse the internet virtually with me while I look for shoes and clothes. Soul Twin did. Soul Twin also picked my brother up from the airport when my mom was in the hospital even though she had never met him and watched my dog even though she had two cats and a concussion. Until last Saturday, we talked almost every single day and often several times a day, sharing funny circumstances, consulting on purchases, passing the time while stuck in traffic or cleaning house. As is her custom when starting a new job, Soul Twin has completely fallen off the radar. If she were a plane, it would already be a search and rescue mission as there has been no sign of life since I talked to her as she was boarding her flight. It might be one of my least favorite things about her but no one is surprised to have not heard from her.

Now I have oceans of empty space where there was once conversation and no one to talk to. At least not with the intimacy that comes from long conversations about everything from the random text I got from some guy to when I'm finally going to schedule that surgery I've needed for years. Old Boss and I have been keeping up fairly regularly but there is a part of writing him that makes me sad and frustrated. I don't want to be good friends with married men while I'm unattached. There is nothing untoward about our friendship. It just frustrates me because what I have with Old Boss and all the other guys I'm friends with, I want in my own boyfriend. Doesn't mean I'll stop having men as friends but I want the first person I want to share something gut busting with to be mine. I don't want to derive my joy in life from a random e-mail from Old Boss or a text message from a friend. It is bratty to reject the places I mine for joy since joy is completely optional in life but I can and I do. It's not enough. I want more. I needed this nothing buffer before I got busy again but it's clear my mind is not healthy on idle. Doesn't help I haven't been to the gym either.

Being back in D.C. has me a little messed up in the head right now as well. Last time I checked in an ill-advised late night reckless Facebooking incident, 'the one that got away' was now residing in the D.C. metro area. D.C. is a place you run into people you haven't seen in decades all the time; in the hallway, in the metro, in a meeting. It's the seat of government, it's the Headquarters for everyone. If your past will meet you anywhere, it will meet you in D.C.. Right before I left 3 years ago, I ran into someone from college at the grocery store. They had been living down the street from me. I ran into someone I last saw as a teenager on the escalator of the Metro. That's the D.C. metro area. The potential exists. I don't know if seeing him again would wreck me or heal me but in the idle thought space before starting language, I wonder about it everytime I leave the house. Good thing language starts Monday.

My philosophy remains that transitions suck. I don't anticipate ever savoring the journey and the space between broken and healed, the chaos of trying to organize your old life in a new space, it's just not me. But I think I will keep forcing upheaval into my life, pulling up stakes, throwing my life into disarray simply because for me, it is more interesting than sitting still. If I were to indulge myself and sit still, I think it would be my undoing for sitting still is my default. If I didn't have a dog, I could easily not leave my house for days. Speaking of leaving the house, the lab is moments from silently guilting me with her intense brown eyes to use my opposable thumbs for good and take her outdoors where we have mutually agreed is the best place for her to use the bathroom. Thank God for her. I would be 500 pounds and even more socially isolated were it not for her.