Order!

You need to imagine the title of this post being yelled in a Germanic accent by a stocky stern woman in a prison gray smock. I'm home today and feeling incredibly guilty about not being at work. I will use this to punish myself today and likely accomplish next to nothing. It's been more difficult putting thoughts to screen lately in part because things are a mess in here (she points to her head). Life seems to be a slog on all fronts and I'm confident it will continue to be for some time. This is just a rough patch--we've all had them. My sister will continue to alarm, distress, and irritate me until she is gone, the circumstances of her departure weighing heavily on my mind. I will continue to eke out what I consider to be borderline criminal accomplishments at work and have the added delight of having to write my performance evaluation this month. Few things feel as shitty as looking back at a trail of tears, stolen naps, and activity disguised as progress. It is all achingly familiar territory and I know it will pass, but it still sucks.

In times like these, I crave order. Everything in its place, a place for everything, and a scheduled, unthinking, unblinking march towards accomplishment. I don't want to think or feel. I just want to do. I recognize summer is slipping through my hands and while my sister is lounging pants-less around the house, I could slip away for a long weekend and let her have an ass-tastic weekend on my furniture. The problem is waiting this long to take a vacation, a weekend doesn't seem like it will do. Then I get bogged down in whether to go see friends or take that first vacation alone, stateside or overseas, local or stay-cation and soon it becomes just another thing to do. Another thing to do that I feel guilty for even considering since there will always be something here I could be doing.

Then I imagine my life would be better if only some man were in it. But not just some man, the man. The incredible conversations, the laughter, the electricity conveyed in the smallest touch or glance. I want to wrap my life around that person. I don't care what I should want or what kind of life I'm supposed to be able to have without him, I want that in my life (again). I think if only I were willing to take the same amount of risk socially as I do professionally, I could at least feel like treading water was actually swimming towards the shore. I've heard enough 'how we met' stories to believe in my heart of hearts that circumstance can't be engineered. We've all already met countless people who could be the beginning of that story but just aren't. I don't think we make our own luck--it's luck after all, but I do believe one must be present to win and one must actually be playing.