Starlight

Finally a break from the oppressive heat came this evening. Beautiful weather feels so personal. Like God REALLY likes me and delights in my delight with the cool breeze and the soul lifting sunset. While the clouds were still orange and the sky still mostly blue, I saw that first star, the one I used to wait for before going in when I was a kid so I could say 'Starlight, star bright. The first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.' I have no idea where I even learned that but tonight I looked at that first star, stared at it to make sure it wasn't a plane and then went for it and wished on it again like I was 11. I wasn't feeling particularly mournful or alone but it just seemed like it was a good night to wish for good things.

I don't know if this is part of what happens to a woman's body and mind in her 30's but I've again become consumed with the potential gravity of seemingly inconsequential decisions. I know most of the pivots on which my life has turned revolved around what seemed at the time to be innocuous decisions. It doesn't seem fair does it? We (read: I) wring our hands about this thing or that thing and then do something on a lark like visit the dog shelter and end up with a gangster black lab instead of a beagle named Doozer, which had been my 'plan'. I even already had a name tag for Doozer. And that is what is doing my head in right now. I know how this works for me-perhaps for everyone. If there's a guy for me out there, it's not going to come at me properly, eyes across the room, instant chemistry, blah, blah. It is going to be random and I'm not going to think a darn thing of it. Problem is believing this is taking all the fun out of it. I'm annoying myself.

Moving on...my sister. Well it looks like she may have a job. I have already done the math and told her what her rent ranges are based on her hourly wage. My house is cleaner than it has been in months and I finally framed these awesome photos I bought a month ago. I actually went to the gym on my own (trainer is out of town), and though I should be sleeping, I'm at least in the bed. And you know why? Because I'm trying to balance this house. Her chaos drives me to seek order. When she leaves, I will still have cleaning frenzies but not as often. I think I've cleaned the shower more since she's moved in than I had the entire 18 months prior. I have no idea what she does in there but holy crap that thing gets nasty fast. So she's painful, I did have to remind her about our 'no unclothed asses' rule, she's broken my bed, is trying to renegotiate the booty shorts deal (I have since hidden them), and is still answering craigslist personal ads, but alas there is good in this too. My room smells fantastic.