Galvanizing focus

"She would have been a good woman if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life." Flannery O'Connor, A Good Man is Hard to Find

I had only one goal for today. To get a haircut. I made an appointment, headed out and promptly almost broke my ankle, AGAIN. This time at least, I didn't completely lose my footing and biff it on the cobblestones, that would have added injury to the insult for sure. So now I am medically intoxicated with Tylenol because I can not take the more effective Motrin (one of the few things I can't do as a result of kidney donation), ankle crudely wrapped with ice packs, and super excited about gingerly walking the dog later this evening. It is completely useless to do so but I can't help wishing to rewind the morning, to have taken a different way, to have not been distracted by the pet store, to have taken one of the cabs I saw driving by. I also can't help thinking about all the things I won't be doing while waiting for this sprain to heal again. No yoga, no dance class I had been waiting to take until the previous sprain got better, no unnecessary trips of any sort. I have been fearful of the cobblestone streets here since I almost broke my ankle in December walking in a straight line on a smooth surface. I didn't get to a doctor then, thinking it wasn't worth the time and co-pay to have someone tell me it wasn't broken and to do what I'm already doing (ice, elevation, Tylenol). It was slowly getting better though I still had twinges with certain movement and now we're back to square one. Woe is me. I think I'll get myself to a doctor this time. Perhaps there is something else going on. If they tell me to be more careful and send me away with an Ace bandage (for which they are sure to gouge both me and my insurance), you can bet there will be an indignant post here.

What I find with setbacks like this though is that they tend to sharpen my focus. Because it takes considerable effort to accomplish just about everything, I'm less likely to put things off because I can't just blitz through them. My mind often races with possibilities and I have a hard time sorting out which of the 20 things I am considering should I actually try to do. With this injury impacting my mobility, I can now toss salsa class for at least the next three months, reconsider all activities within a 3 block radius and get the bike ready to tool around town because it is much easier to bike than to walk.

I was thinking about God earlier and grateful that he spared me a spill on the rocks but wondering why he didn't prevent me from hurting my ankle, the same ankle, again. I started to wonder if he's figuratively pushing my nose in my own poo by literally tripping me while I walk. I wondered if he's trying to show me something that I'm defiantly not recognizing or punishing me for a decision I made. It is kind of like that inventory you run when you become violently ill. You just want to figure out what you ate so that you never eat it again. Then I realized/remembered that God doesn't make bad, he makes all things good. There will be good that comes of this awful ankle but he didn't need or want me to trip in order to bring that goodness in. God is great in making something great out of any ingredient he has to work with. I'm always hoping that he's going to make a husband out of some of my life's crap stews but I'm not sure if that meal is on the menu with this latest circumstance or at all. All I know is that this sucks, it will continue to suck until it heals again, and that I won't be taking a non-credit course on 'Dancing Like the Stars' this spring.

Time to change the ice...

p.s. I know I need a pedicure...don't hate.

p.p.s. The foot above is mine about a week post sprain from my December sprain. Not sure if I'll get the great purply mottled bruises this time around. We'll have to wait and see!