As I have been figuring out how to end things with WBB and reconvincing myself that things do need to end I have been struggling with what I'm dubbing the bird in hand syndrome. In the process I have been developing a greater sympathy with the women who chose to continue being with men who aren't right for them simply because they are there and by 'there' I mean they want your sex. Don't get me wrong, I still judge them and harshly at that (and I know that's not cool but I'm being honest). I'm convinced a significant percentage of the motivation in women who consistently choose hooking up over relationships is in being able to make other girls jealous with their desirability. Empty calories.
I judge myself just as harshly for not bailing earlier, for humoring this to the point it is messy to extricate from. For trading what I want in exchange for being wanted, even if it's just physically. There is a whittling down of the esteem in that exchange, there is erosion of expectation for real relationships, there is loneliness even as his arm is draped over you while you listen to him snore next to you. And still, I'm a little sad. Sad because I don't want to hurt his feelings, sad because I won't have anyone once I let him go, sad that what IS attractive about him can't be eclipsed by what doesn't work between us. Sad because he might just be the last guy I date for several years because so few guys get this far and my trend line isn't promising. This is the longest I've dated a guy in a decade. That sentence makes me despondent. I'm not sure what I learned in all this. I'm inclined to say the lesson is trust my gut and ignore my girlfriends who encourage me to keep an open mind. That can't be good, right? To stay with him though is to keep eating (unsatisfying) drive through because I'm not sure if there's a sit down meal in my future. Guess I'm choosing hunger. That sucks. Wish I could just enjoy a terrible greasy burger and make yummy noises so everyone could wish they had what I had.
No one actually has the life we envy. No one.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The one you're with
WBB came by last night. Why I continue with this guy is beyond me. I'm annoyed before I see him and even more annoyed when he leaves. My guess is he knows how to chose a woman who usually stays committed to something long after she's determined she doesn't get what she wants or needs from it. Enter yours truly. I wish sometimes I didn't like men. He came over because I asked him if he was still on the dating site we met through. He refused to answer the question over the phone or e-mail because he didn't like having certain discussions over those mediums. When he got to the house, he was weird and combative and called my question bullshit but ultimately admitted he is still online. I honestly don't care one way or another. Nothing about our time together suggests forever, I just wanted to be sure we were on the same page. Funny thing though, he didn't want me to tell him what I was up to because he's a self-admited jealous person. He acknowledged it was hypocritical but it was just the way he was. Then he wanted to chill out and talk about nothing, the Denver Nuggets (wtf do I care about a basketball team), about our days, about my workout goals (he's a certified personal trainer who nevertheless drinks juice like it's going out of style). He talked about working out together but I wasn't sure if he wanted to spend more time with me or see if he could get a deal through me for the gym.
Awake long before dawn, I have been thinking about me and WBB and what it means to continue dating him. There is a part of me that wants to think of him as a swiss army knife, considering him only for his utility, ignoring what is annoying or potentially harmful about him. At my core, I think I like a challenge. There is a part of me that wants to break him down, get past his abrasiveness and get to the soft gooey center, if there is one. I am curious about his capacity to be considerate. I am curious why he talks to me when he doesn't seem to like me. I can't figure him out and the investigator in me wants to keep pulling that thread even though my common sense tells me this is unlikely to have a good surprise twist. I am cautious and wary because convention holds that this is the honeymoon, this is our best foot forward usually. If this is WBB's best foot forward, it is a deformed and twisted club foot with a touch of gangrene. And what he brings out in me isn't great either.
I've been considering the 'have fun' position, just hang out because it feels good to have someone want you enough to stand your company but just reading this sentence suggests that course of action is not good for the ol mental health or self esteem. What do I stand to gain by accepting someone who doesn't use please and thank you, who has no problem asking me for things or being dismissive of my feelings or questions? I don't want to get used to accepting less. I don't need (or want) a prince on a white horse but I do want someone who doesn't fight me when I ask them if they are seeing anyone else and IS curious about my dating/sexual history and just curious about me in general. I do want someone who is nice to me. Not in a syrupy saccharine way but in a genuine considerate way.
Ashley has been a bit of a punk in all this but I got a sense last night that she really doesn't like the way he talks to me. Asking me to put away his soda is not a big deal but he's always asking me to do little things that I just find strange. It's more the way he asks than the actual request. Like he wants me to serve him. I get a sense he doesn't really like me or doesn't really like women in general. He is arrogant/narcissistic for no apparent reason. If he were just a set of stats on a roster, he would be playing with the company coed team, not courting scouts and trying to figure out if he should go pro or take that scholarship. Maybe I'm waaaaay off but something isn't adding up. Maybe it's just the combination of me and him. Seems to be a when, not if situation. Stay tuned.
Awake long before dawn, I have been thinking about me and WBB and what it means to continue dating him. There is a part of me that wants to think of him as a swiss army knife, considering him only for his utility, ignoring what is annoying or potentially harmful about him. At my core, I think I like a challenge. There is a part of me that wants to break him down, get past his abrasiveness and get to the soft gooey center, if there is one. I am curious about his capacity to be considerate. I am curious why he talks to me when he doesn't seem to like me. I can't figure him out and the investigator in me wants to keep pulling that thread even though my common sense tells me this is unlikely to have a good surprise twist. I am cautious and wary because convention holds that this is the honeymoon, this is our best foot forward usually. If this is WBB's best foot forward, it is a deformed and twisted club foot with a touch of gangrene. And what he brings out in me isn't great either.
I've been considering the 'have fun' position, just hang out because it feels good to have someone want you enough to stand your company but just reading this sentence suggests that course of action is not good for the ol mental health or self esteem. What do I stand to gain by accepting someone who doesn't use please and thank you, who has no problem asking me for things or being dismissive of my feelings or questions? I don't want to get used to accepting less. I don't need (or want) a prince on a white horse but I do want someone who doesn't fight me when I ask them if they are seeing anyone else and IS curious about my dating/sexual history and just curious about me in general. I do want someone who is nice to me. Not in a syrupy saccharine way but in a genuine considerate way.
Ashley has been a bit of a punk in all this but I got a sense last night that she really doesn't like the way he talks to me. Asking me to put away his soda is not a big deal but he's always asking me to do little things that I just find strange. It's more the way he asks than the actual request. Like he wants me to serve him. I get a sense he doesn't really like me or doesn't really like women in general. He is arrogant/narcissistic for no apparent reason. If he were just a set of stats on a roster, he would be playing with the company coed team, not courting scouts and trying to figure out if he should go pro or take that scholarship. Maybe I'm waaaaay off but something isn't adding up. Maybe it's just the combination of me and him. Seems to be a when, not if situation. Stay tuned.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Sunday
WBB likes me more than he likes juice. He said if he had to choose between me and juice, he was willing to go thirsty for a while. This is big news because WBB really likes juice. He likes juice like Ashley likes juice and Ashley gasped like someone had dropped a baby on its head the last time she discovered we were out of juice. Being a girl, naturally I mentioned Valentines day but being me, I mentioned only that I wasn't interested in celebrating it. I really don't care for flowers and candy and lady gifts of that sort for any occasion. I knew I had turned the corner with the last contender when he bought me earrings-the year before he bought me a CD full of parody songs and it was spot-on awesome. I still have the CD. I gave the jade earrings away to a co-worker. I like gifts to be personal if they are given at all. I would rather have your time and no tangible gift than a box of chocolates to check a box. If WWB comes with flowers in hand today, I will be delighted. If we are dating this time next year and he comes with flowers in hand for Valentines, I'll be disappointed. He'd get far more mileage out of a heartfelt sticky note.
So my challenge today with WBB is to try to stay in the moment. He asks me every time we are together what I'm thinking and I always tell him nothing. I'm guessing he can tell I'm not wholly present. I also think I better understand why that question is irritating. The moment he asks me, my mind goes blank. The only thing I'm thinking is why does he wonder what I'm thinking.
But here's what I'm thinking WBB. I'm wishing that your touch was electric, that even holding my hand made me melt. It's not just physical attraction, it's feeling that someone touches you with affection. All that stuff people say about sex being part of a loving committed relationship, maybe that's just for girls but I can feel the difference and it makes me kind of sad. You're perfectly ok WBB and I think the feeling is mutual so until something better comes along or I leave Philly, whichever comes first, I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Happy Valentines Day.
So my challenge today with WBB is to try to stay in the moment. He asks me every time we are together what I'm thinking and I always tell him nothing. I'm guessing he can tell I'm not wholly present. I also think I better understand why that question is irritating. The moment he asks me, my mind goes blank. The only thing I'm thinking is why does he wonder what I'm thinking.
But here's what I'm thinking WBB. I'm wishing that your touch was electric, that even holding my hand made me melt. It's not just physical attraction, it's feeling that someone touches you with affection. All that stuff people say about sex being part of a loving committed relationship, maybe that's just for girls but I can feel the difference and it makes me kind of sad. You're perfectly ok WBB and I think the feeling is mutual so until something better comes along or I leave Philly, whichever comes first, I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Happy Valentines Day.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Eye contact theater
My friend likes to say I make eye contact and the world changes. It's a habit I will probably never break and it gets me stuck in some fascinatingly bizarre conversations with unique oversharing individuals. As a result of this week's adventure in eye contact theater, I am now aware there was/is a leech present in Vietnamese rivers that can enter the body through the penis. This leech can attach to your organs and grow with you for twenty years until one day your belly button pops out and you go to the emergency room. I know, you're welcome. There was also something in there about the white man stealing all the black man's inventions, his estranged son and an altercation about low hanging pants during a holiday dinner, and his allergies to touch (direct quote: "don't even get me started about what happens when I have sex"). All in all, a surreal train ride.
In other news, I'm solidly in like with would-be-boyfriend (WBB). He makes me laugh. He calls, he writes me, he leaves messages when he doesn't reach me. He follows-up and follows through. That's really refreshing. With the exception of 24 hours (that I complained about) he's always checked in. We have had some interesting conversations which suggest we aren't looking at forever, we are different in ways that I think matter. He says something wacky like 'I don't believe in government' which is only my entire way of life and I call my girlfriends to discuss, make some declarations and decisions about the lack of future, and then I keep dating him. He has really strange borderline terrible manners when we're together but has strangely sweet and considerate moments that confuse me. I don't understand why I like him. I think I like that I can complain about him to him and veto every single pet name he's tried to roll out on me. I like that he tells me when I'm using my inside voice too loudly (like when I told him I had my mother's legs) and that I can nominate things he says for inside voice (like when he described a part of my body as 'jiggly' even though he insisted it was a compliment). I hope we'll be friends even if he isn't my boyfriend. We'll see.
It's been a bit furtive trying to date though. Neither one of us is living roommate free and Ashley frankly is being a pain. I resent her living rent-free in my place and not going out of her way to accommodate my dating. Between the shitty weather, furtive dating, and her stinky ass attitude, it's just a bit much. I am extremely agitated with her boorish habits and poor choices, her domination of the television, her 30-minute showers, her lack of contribution to upkeep in her room or the common areas. I stress more about leaving her in my house alone overnight than I do having strangers stay here to watch Baloo. I'm itching to have my space back again. I can't have a private conversation. She is always making some kind of noise. It's making me anti-social. I just don't have any space free of people. I was invited to a dinner earlier this week and I just couldn't bear the thought of more people to be around. I just wanted to go to the gym, be alone in a quiet space with my thoughts, and see WBB. We had a bit of a Friday night thing going but he's busy tonight with film prep and called since I've been writing to let me know he didn't have time to hang out tonight. I'll see him Sunday, was just hoping I would see him tonight too. Now my sister is humming along with her music and I just want her to shut the fuck up. So annoyed. Had to wear my iPod to bed last night because the noises coming from her room were not normal. Just slipped the earbuds back on because her humming was so irritating I wanted to kick in her door and crush her iPod. I like to write in quiet, I don't like listening to music. But I can't handle being reminded of the mess I invited into my life with random tuneless humming.
February is the longest short month.
In other news, I'm solidly in like with would-be-boyfriend (WBB). He makes me laugh. He calls, he writes me, he leaves messages when he doesn't reach me. He follows-up and follows through. That's really refreshing. With the exception of 24 hours (that I complained about) he's always checked in. We have had some interesting conversations which suggest we aren't looking at forever, we are different in ways that I think matter. He says something wacky like 'I don't believe in government' which is only my entire way of life and I call my girlfriends to discuss, make some declarations and decisions about the lack of future, and then I keep dating him. He has really strange borderline terrible manners when we're together but has strangely sweet and considerate moments that confuse me. I don't understand why I like him. I think I like that I can complain about him to him and veto every single pet name he's tried to roll out on me. I like that he tells me when I'm using my inside voice too loudly (like when I told him I had my mother's legs) and that I can nominate things he says for inside voice (like when he described a part of my body as 'jiggly' even though he insisted it was a compliment). I hope we'll be friends even if he isn't my boyfriend. We'll see.
It's been a bit furtive trying to date though. Neither one of us is living roommate free and Ashley frankly is being a pain. I resent her living rent-free in my place and not going out of her way to accommodate my dating. Between the shitty weather, furtive dating, and her stinky ass attitude, it's just a bit much. I am extremely agitated with her boorish habits and poor choices, her domination of the television, her 30-minute showers, her lack of contribution to upkeep in her room or the common areas. I stress more about leaving her in my house alone overnight than I do having strangers stay here to watch Baloo. I'm itching to have my space back again. I can't have a private conversation. She is always making some kind of noise. It's making me anti-social. I just don't have any space free of people. I was invited to a dinner earlier this week and I just couldn't bear the thought of more people to be around. I just wanted to go to the gym, be alone in a quiet space with my thoughts, and see WBB. We had a bit of a Friday night thing going but he's busy tonight with film prep and called since I've been writing to let me know he didn't have time to hang out tonight. I'll see him Sunday, was just hoping I would see him tonight too. Now my sister is humming along with her music and I just want her to shut the fuck up. So annoyed. Had to wear my iPod to bed last night because the noises coming from her room were not normal. Just slipped the earbuds back on because her humming was so irritating I wanted to kick in her door and crush her iPod. I like to write in quiet, I don't like listening to music. But I can't handle being reminded of the mess I invited into my life with random tuneless humming.
February is the longest short month.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Some things I don't think I believe anymore
Kissing frogs. More and more I trust my discernment for recognizing the frogs. I don't think I need to kiss any more of them. When something is missing, something is missing.
I don't believe I can be just a sister to Ashley. I came home tonight to find her out after quickly crushing 2 hard apple ciders and extremely defensive about her whereabouts for the last few hours. She's an adult but I find I don't even want to around her bad decision theater. She went looking for sex drugs or both which is totally her choice and her business except she lives with me. When I came in tonight I sensed anger/hostility because I wanted the house for hanging out with a boy. And I had this flash like a single parent that this boy was displacing her and now she was going to act out. And like a mother, I know my intuition is correct and she did something shady. It's then I lament and think, I'm out significant sums of money and great inconvenience and it hasn't made a difference. She's just as adrift and immature as before. She's running her classic game on me and I am just one of the many people in her life helping her live a lie. I don't think I believe that people can be helped into helping themselves.
I don't think I believe there is an ever after out there for me. And today it's a little sad and also completely fine.
I don't believe I can be just a sister to Ashley. I came home tonight to find her out after quickly crushing 2 hard apple ciders and extremely defensive about her whereabouts for the last few hours. She's an adult but I find I don't even want to around her bad decision theater. She went looking for sex drugs or both which is totally her choice and her business except she lives with me. When I came in tonight I sensed anger/hostility because I wanted the house for hanging out with a boy. And I had this flash like a single parent that this boy was displacing her and now she was going to act out. And like a mother, I know my intuition is correct and she did something shady. It's then I lament and think, I'm out significant sums of money and great inconvenience and it hasn't made a difference. She's just as adrift and immature as before. She's running her classic game on me and I am just one of the many people in her life helping her live a lie. I don't think I believe that people can be helped into helping themselves.
I don't think I believe there is an ever after out there for me. And today it's a little sad and also completely fine.
The Grateful Game
Everyday I wake up in a warm bed within the shelter of four walls is an opportunity to be grateful. But I'm not grateful. I recognize I should be, but I'm still sporting a fashionable black cloud and greeting life through clenched teeth. It's probably a little of everything that has my nose out of joint, the shitty weather, work drama, home life, dating life, all which have some rock in my shoe niggling irritation that all at once becomes overwhelming and rage provoking. I keep thinking I need to take time off, redeem that unused ticket from last year and things keep coming up that interrupt the block of time I want to set aside. Every single time I've tried to take off, something comes up so I don't know why I was surprised to get a call this morning telling me the 0800 mtg I put on the calendar for Monday was actually happening this morning. Of course it is. Of course I got it wrong. Of course my relaxing morning had to be sullied with a 'this is why you don't take time off' guilt. What is the lesson here? Don't take time off? My body hurts, my head hurts, the boy I want to like doesn't like me, the weather bites ass and I'm tired of walking the dog in it, I'm tired of the people I work with. I'm tired of talking to them and about them, tired of their expectations and their lack of performance in their core job. I'm just fucking tired. I'm tired of looking for an escape from this all. I'm tired that my idea of a relaxing morning is doing laundry and cleaning up after myself and Ashley. I'm just fucking. tired. But I want to be grateful so I came here to make a list, to acknowledge the good in my life, to balance my list of grievances.
I AM grateful for this morning. Ashley is at work and I am all alone. By the time I get in the shower, there will be hot water. I don't know if this boy likes me but he wrote me at 1:30 in the morning when I asked him where the hell he's been and included a break down of his schedule over the last three days. He also said sorry. I didn't let him off the hook and provided a similar breakdown in my schedule noting that I made time to check in with him. I'm grateful I have the gumption to do that. I think I will be grateful with his response-yep, he responded. I met someone new in the building and she invited me up for dinner. I think I stayed too long but I enjoyed her company. We have similar backgrounds and similar dispositions. The boy is coming over tonight so now I feel the sun may be trying to peek through. Yes, I feel lame that my mood can turn on the whims of a boy but the work and the weather still suck so I'm just going to go with this. Don't judge me. Now that I have plans for tonight I guess I have plans for today so time to get to it. Thanks for letting me vent.
I AM grateful for this morning. Ashley is at work and I am all alone. By the time I get in the shower, there will be hot water. I don't know if this boy likes me but he wrote me at 1:30 in the morning when I asked him where the hell he's been and included a break down of his schedule over the last three days. He also said sorry. I didn't let him off the hook and provided a similar breakdown in my schedule noting that I made time to check in with him. I'm grateful I have the gumption to do that. I think I will be grateful with his response-yep, he responded. I met someone new in the building and she invited me up for dinner. I think I stayed too long but I enjoyed her company. We have similar backgrounds and similar dispositions. The boy is coming over tonight so now I feel the sun may be trying to peek through. Yes, I feel lame that my mood can turn on the whims of a boy but the work and the weather still suck so I'm just going to go with this. Don't judge me. Now that I have plans for tonight I guess I have plans for today so time to get to it. Thanks for letting me vent.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A transmission, a boy, and a blind copied e-mail walk into a bar...
Already not funny, right? It hasn't been funny here either. The badness of this week is near comedic. I am nursing a headache which will only resolve once I close my eyes and yield. I got 99 problems and a boy is one of them. But not really. He's more of an annoyance because he's not who I want him to be. It's not his fault and I don't feel like being the woman who trains him for another woman. What do they say, a man meets a woman and hopes she'll never change and a woman meets a man an tries to change him? He needs too much work. Best to start over. Earlier this week, the transmission in my work car crapped out and a co-worker replied to all on an e-mail I blind copied him on. As Homer Simpson would say, the lesson here is never try.
I love my sister but her new schedule is killing me. I have no space in this house without her. Now she is getting ready in the morning at the same time I am so if I need a shower I have to beat her to it or wait until more hot water is heated. When I come home, she is already camped in front of the tv and has made the mess in the kitchen I will later clean. She easily watches 5 hours of television a night. Having a private conversation is impossible and having boys over...ah shit, she just walked back in. Even her walks are short now. I am over winter, over headaches, over boys, and over roommates. I want to have nice things and not fear destruction by Ashley or feel bad because my would-be-boyfriend doesn't have two dimes to rub together. Why do I own the repercussions of other people's choices? I didn't chose to be evicted but I have a roommate who just busted ass on my couch. I didn't chose to return to college in my mid-thirties for the undergrad I never finished but I feel bad for letting him buy me a drink because I know I make more money. Makes me miss the guy who always tells me exactly what's on his mind even though it is always sex.
Him: Hi. What are you up to?
Me: Hey there! How was your day?
Him: Great, got a promotion. Everything is going great. Looking for a house to buy. Can I come over?
Me: That's wonderful! Congrats on the house. So glad to hear things are going well.
Him: Thanks! So, can I come over?
Me: I don't think that's a good idea.
Him: I think you think too much. So does that mean I can't come over tonight?
Not romantic but persistent. Sometimes a girl goes with the guy who simply shows up, who unambiguously wants her. Who unambiguously doesn't want to be her boyfriend and will never confuse her about his intentions. Sure it's not what she wants really but it DOES resemble what she wants; clear communication, clear intent.
I love my sister but her new schedule is killing me. I have no space in this house without her. Now she is getting ready in the morning at the same time I am so if I need a shower I have to beat her to it or wait until more hot water is heated. When I come home, she is already camped in front of the tv and has made the mess in the kitchen I will later clean. She easily watches 5 hours of television a night. Having a private conversation is impossible and having boys over...ah shit, she just walked back in. Even her walks are short now. I am over winter, over headaches, over boys, and over roommates. I want to have nice things and not fear destruction by Ashley or feel bad because my would-be-boyfriend doesn't have two dimes to rub together. Why do I own the repercussions of other people's choices? I didn't chose to be evicted but I have a roommate who just busted ass on my couch. I didn't chose to return to college in my mid-thirties for the undergrad I never finished but I feel bad for letting him buy me a drink because I know I make more money. Makes me miss the guy who always tells me exactly what's on his mind even though it is always sex.
Him: Hi. What are you up to?
Me: Hey there! How was your day?
Him: Great, got a promotion. Everything is going great. Looking for a house to buy. Can I come over?
Me: That's wonderful! Congrats on the house. So glad to hear things are going well.
Him: Thanks! So, can I come over?
Me: I don't think that's a good idea.
Him: I think you think too much. So does that mean I can't come over tonight?
Not romantic but persistent. Sometimes a girl goes with the guy who simply shows up, who unambiguously wants her. Who unambiguously doesn't want to be her boyfriend and will never confuse her about his intentions. Sure it's not what she wants really but it DOES resemble what she wants; clear communication, clear intent.
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