The Grateful Game

Everyday I wake up in a warm bed within the shelter of four walls is an opportunity to be grateful. But I'm not grateful. I recognize I should be, but I'm still sporting a fashionable black cloud and greeting life through clenched teeth. It's probably a little of everything that has my nose out of joint, the shitty weather, work drama, home life, dating life, all which have some rock in my shoe niggling irritation that all at once becomes overwhelming and rage provoking. I keep thinking I need to take time off, redeem that unused ticket from last year and things keep coming up that interrupt the block of time I want to set aside. Every single time I've tried to take off, something comes up so I don't know why I was surprised to get a call this morning telling me the 0800 mtg I put on the calendar for Monday was actually happening this morning. Of course it is. Of course I got it wrong. Of course my relaxing morning had to be sullied with a 'this is why you don't take time off' guilt. What is the lesson here? Don't take time off? My body hurts, my head hurts, the boy I want to like doesn't like me, the weather bites ass and I'm tired of walking the dog in it, I'm tired of the people I work with. I'm tired of talking to them and about them, tired of their expectations and their lack of performance in their core job. I'm just fucking tired. I'm tired of looking for an escape from this all. I'm tired that my idea of a relaxing morning is doing laundry and cleaning up after myself and Ashley. I'm just fucking. tired. But I want to be grateful so I came here to make a list, to acknowledge the good in my life, to balance my list of grievances.

I AM grateful for this morning. Ashley is at work and I am all alone. By the time I get in the shower, there will be hot water. I don't know if this boy likes me but he wrote me at 1:30 in the morning when I asked him where the hell he's been and included a break down of his schedule over the last three days. He also said sorry. I didn't let him off the hook and provided a similar breakdown in my schedule noting that I made time to check in with him. I'm grateful I have the gumption to do that. I think I will be grateful with his response-yep, he responded. I met someone new in the building and she invited me up for dinner. I think I stayed too long but I enjoyed her company. We have similar backgrounds and similar dispositions. The boy is coming over tonight so now I feel the sun may be trying to peek through. Yes, I feel lame that my mood can turn on the whims of a boy but the work and the weather still suck so I'm just going to go with this. Don't judge me. Now that I have plans for tonight I guess I have plans for today so time to get to it. Thanks for letting me vent.