Shelter in place

The sun is shining. I know it's still cold out there. I probably have 20 minutes or so before Baloo begins her stretching routine which ends with her posting at my bedroom door in what I call her civil rights sit-in posture willing me to get dressed and take her out. I woke up with a headache this morning, sometimes I just kind of have a headache that lasts for weeks. Since this is a three day weekend, I feel like I have a day to waste, where I don't have to get out there in the mix running errands and consuming almost as fast as I try to pare down my possessions. I don't even have to shower. I kind of wish Ashley had somewhere else to be today. Sometimes I just really don't enjoy coming back from my morning walk to see her half naked in my kitchen making messes. She always waits for me to leave before she gets up. I'm sure she enjoys moving around in a space without me in it, pretending for 20 minutes or so that she has her own place.

I just want to shelter in place today. I don't want to think about or navigate the weird passive aggressive waters between me and my neighbor/friend, I don't want to try to have a conversation with another friend which is constantly interrupted by all the other things and people more important to her in that moment than me. I often wonder what makes her call when it's clear (at least to me) her life is packed tight with other people and activities and our substantive conversations are few and far between. If I'm being honest, I am grateful for that friendship but am often reminded of why I resisted it. I do a lot of things because I feel I have to but I am not routinely compelled to devote much energy to people outside of my core confidants. And to my core people, I feel I don't give them nearly as much attention and time as I want to. I don't visit as much as I would like, I don't make as big a fuss as I would like on their special days, I think of them far more than I actually talk to them. Distance does make it harder. Marriage and family make it harder. Work makes it harder. What that means to me though is I am less inclined to make space for secondary and tertiary relationships because I am not the greatest at tending to the relationships that actually matter quite a lot to me. A part of me thinks she would be more available to me if she were less available to secondary and tertiary relationships. But that's me and I am the person who has not visited my extended family in 8 years. I'm not even sure if she goes 8 weeks without seeing a cousin, uncle or aunt so we are clearly operating from different frameworks.

This is a harder post than most because I know she will recognize that I'm talking about her and I know how hard she works to keep all the burners warm. I know her inclination will be to try to be more present when we talk and that it will create yet another obligation and consideration in her running list of what the world wants from her. At no point have I wondered or considered what she needs from me because she pursued our friendship for reasons that remain a mystery to me. In practice I guess I just assume she's getting everything she needs from me because she has me. I am very tempted to hit the backspace key and make those sentences go away. It's like the scores of unflattering photographs I have, reflections that I wish I didn't look like but from that angle at that time, it totally is who I was. I've never been terribly photogenic so I guess I shouldn't be surprised my soul doesn't photograph that well either.

My feet are cold but it's time to make a go of it. Launch into my partly sunny Saturday by picking up some poop.