One true love

We were discussing our belief in the existence of the 'one.' We both felt it was possible there was one other person in the world that was the yin to our yang but also several other people with whom you could find happiness. I've been thinking about this since and am inclined to reject the fantasy of the 'one.' I don't know anyone who has that one. I know many people who have found someone they can build a life with, where the balance of things they could do without is outgunned by things they don't want to live without. The only place I have ever seen something perfectly good outgunned by an undeniably better match is in a movie. I have friends who have experienced the whirlwind movie-like romances and they have without fail ended badly (myself included). What makes us chase that fable may be the same thing that drives us to create fantasy in our lives and in our worlds. The reason Disneyland and Disney World exist. I don't know. I only know every girlfriend I know well enough to know some of their relationship history breaks set with her past relationships in the man they marry. That's of course natural--he has to be different in a significant way from the other men they dated. But it's more than that. If picked out of a catalogue, she would order her man talk, dark, handsome and athletic. She married a wonderful short, fair-haired klutz.

I wonder if part of the reason my girlfriends object when I pick apart a guy, is while I catalogue what thing he did that pissed me off or had me convinced I could move on, I imply I'm holding out for something better than what my girlfriends have. That I am denying their reality, the reality it seems, that he's not out there. There is no fated other intersection, the guys here now are the opportunities to suffer, to explore, to evaluate. No long lost love will be sweeping in, no mutual crushes will be confessed, the dream come true turns out always to be the dream you never actually had. I never dreamed to fall in love with a guy younger than me who listened to death metal and didn't go to church during a time in my life when church was a huge part of my social life. It wasn't a list of things he was or wasn't. It was how I felt when I was with him. He felt like home. I don't know what that was or if it is possible to feel that way again. Maybe you can never go back and there is no home. Maybe I just get a plot of land and some raw materials to build a home with. As my silver hairs increase and I hurtle towards my 40's men are beginning to compete with the increasingly compelling option of having no significant other. Of making my own home. Were it not the best way for me to have a satisfying physical relationship with someone, I don't think I would even consider marriage or even a boyfriend. It's hard to live with people.