Your move

I really thought I would be the girl who didn't play games. But every relationship is a game. The ones that don't feel like games are the ones where you don't care about winning. But they are all still games, not in the sense they shouldn't be taken seriously but in the sense that there is always the dynamic of 'hand' playing. When this-whatever "this" is-kicked off, I had hand. I did not care and I was content for him to pursue me and entertain me. Now I'm curious about him and I really don't want to be because he honestly isn't curious about me. He's curious about my calves (in a way that kind of makes me adjust his serial killer potential) and about all the things winter clothing presents a challenge in discerning. But about me? Not so much. Not even a I-just-want-to-get-in-your-pants-but-how-was-your-day gesture.

And baggage. Ugh. Tonight as I wondered if he was coming by and wondered why I had not heard from him, I recalled the time Cliff said he was coming to meet my parents and I cooked and then waited. And waited. And called without reaching him. And waited some more. Long after I had stored the leftovers, he called with an excuse or explanation which did not matter. It hurt me physically. Pain radiating out from my core to my extremities. I thought it must have been my heart or my soul for it to actually hurt that bad. This guy not picking up some leftovers is not the same thing as cooking dinner for him and my parents. But I was disgusted both with him for not communicating with me about his intentions to come or not and for my waiting. And for the way I felt while I waited as those ghosts of relationships past swirled in the room. I don't EVER want to wait for a guy again. Ever. It is a terrible terrible feeling. That's why you see it in movies so often. There you are waiting and they never come. But you keep hoping they do come or they want to come and simply can't because they are trapped in a well. A well with poor cell reception which is why they didn't call. But they aren't trapped in a well and you don't have to wonder about people who are actually into you. In my movie, the guy is not busy overcoming obstacles to be by my side, he just found something else he would rather do.