Ashley and I got weepy as we quickly hauled ass out of town yesterday lamenting we hadn't done anything with our lives yet, there was so much more we wanted her to see us accomplish. It will never be enough though. I will never be ready. I have no doubt she would be irritated if she knew we were taking turns watching her sleep. I dropped my sister off today and then (naturally) went to the mall. When I got home, I hung out in the car not ready to come inside. My dad came out after a while and said he had been a little weepy but then concluded he didn't have anything to be weepy about. He had heard the latest from my sister indicating the weaning of another branch from the forrest of IV stands clustered around her bed. He vacillated between accepting they had a good run and optimism she would pull through and outlive him. He saw her almost slip away yesterday and it changed him. He said he didn't want to be left alone with us (the kids) and then asked if that was bad. I told him it wasn't good but it did touch me deeply. We appreciate sarcasm always. If humor is a deflection for things that hurt or scare us, we are some of the scardiest cats that ever were. I will never be ready to lose my parents. I was on the phone with my mother Wednesday but I needed to go grocery shopping and was eager to get on with it. I got in the elevator hoping not to lose the signal but I did. She didn't call back and neither did I. Two days later she's in the ICU. I've been talking her ear off. She probably doesn't hear me but if she does, she's probably annoyed that I'm killing her buzz with my incessant jabbering.
My brother is still in Omaha and I think we're a little mad that he isn't here but also understanding that it's not a small thing to jump on a plane to watch a forcibly sedated person sleep. Family stresses often grate at the raw unresolved issues between people. If he made an effort to visit normally, it wouldn't be as annoying that he hasn't dropped everything to help now. If I ever heard from my extended family, I would not be as pissy about them blowing up our phones now. I know she's their family too but I kind of want to circle the wagons and tell them to leave us alone. I'm still harboring some useless ill will from the kidney transplant when they inundated me with calls and texts about my mother and only one person asked about me. I'm a little jealous also I think of what she gets from them that she doesn't get from us but that's another story for another post.
Time to rally and head out for my shift. She would be so irritated at the fuss. Oh well. Guess she should get better so she can fuss at us about it.
1 comment:
Damn. That cost of perspective makes you wonder if its worth it.
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